TW why is it so hard after years not self harming

my history of self harm is to me odd and different  then we heard others say. start of self harm was under 1yr. we pull our hair out and bang head on walld etc.  then as we got older we bit self with the other ones. then we started cutting self this was easy to cover up due to we helped stripe copper for dad to sale. so could just say knife slipped. but no one seem to see what we was doing as self harm. even later  on we say we had a accident  and cut self. but it happened a lot. still not get why no one seemed to care at all. we also use to sneak moonshine that parents'  keep in jars in refrigerator. so no one seem to either see the self harm or care we  was doing it. around 11yr we stopped self harming on own.

but in our 20's we started self harming again and this was due to we believe the memories  of the abuse coming back and being in abusive marriage. but when we lost our kids to the state and parental rights we went off the deep end with self harm.we turned to  community  mental health place for help were we was living. the psych  there after repeatedly being sent to  mental health hospitals he got mad at us. he sent us to state mental hospital due to he thought self harm was done for attention so he said i  give you that. as most that go to state hospitals  they keep long time even years. we was there less then 3 weeks. but even that did not help.

so for us it seem like we cycle in self harm as in not due it for long time then start up again. right now we not self harming it been like 4 or 5 yrs ago we did. but at times we still feel like we need to. but not acted on the feelings. we trying hard to not go back to self harming. we have learned better coping skills over the years. even when we last time self harmed it was lot less then before. but at times we fear we slip up and self harm again.  it hard to even admit  we still think about self harming after years not doing it feel like we alone in this way of feeling like want to self harm but not acting on it in long time. not sure why we still even think about doing it after not doing it for many years