I can't do it
I have a special box for SI. I haven't needed it for months, actually almost a year. It's been hidden and I went to it, I don't know why but as soon as I opened it I had strong urges. I've never mentioned my SH to my therapist before, the urges were intense and so I disclosed. My therapist was concerned and made a request, to throw the box away.
I didn't give a definite answer, only that I'd consider it. Now all I do is go through my box, it scares me, thinking about throwing everything away. I don't intend to use anything but somehow it's like my safety blanket. I don't know, I just know right now I can't do it, I can't throw it away.
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and if it worked out alright for them and what things helped them transition to maybe a better and safer place?
@W4nderingsoul
I have been through a similar situation where i stopped slef harm with time but still didnt want to dispose my tools for some reason although i didnt want to do it again, its okay if you throw it away , i still have the tools till now i think. If you think you may use it then i guess you should throw it.. Tbh in both cases you should throw it away
@tidyJar6514
Thank you for your reply.
I don't want to do it again either. I am getting so anxious thinking about throwing it out. I'm conflicted, a part of me feels safe knowing it's there but it scares another part of me, that I could easily pick them up and lose control. I really can't throw it out, can't physically pick it up and throw it away. It should be easy...
@W4nderingsoul
My therapist once asked me to dispose of the tool I used to cut myself in order to keep working with him. I stopped writing to him (it is a written therapy here) for more than a week. I never threw the tool away. I couldn't and he knows. He changed his approach and it is going better, I am distancing myself gradually from my urges. I have stopped cutting. I still do other forms of sh but it is getting better as I said.
You could perhaps hide your box. I did that with the tool I used. Or give it to a friend. So you know it is still out there, but it is more difficult to get it. And you could maybe try to create a safety box as a substitute! https://annemoss.com/2016/08/03/self-harm-safety-box
[edited by @bear228 to remove triggering details]
@admaiorasemper
Thank you for sharing your experience and suggestions.
It's hard to explain about my box. I guess it's more like an old friend. It's been there through my toughest times and helped me. It's not about the tools in it or using them. I feel like I'm betraying it by thoughtlessly discarding it.
It was never the safest way to cope but it kept me safe, I'm here. I think I'll come up with a way to honor what it means to me and how it's helped me to get to where I am. Then move on to healthier ways.
@W4nderingsoul
That you want to honor it makes a lot of sense to me. Self-harm is a coping mechanism that helps us in times of distress. As you can clearly see, it is not healthy and won't serve us in the long term. But it is part of who we are and has a message. In honoring it you are showing a true compassion towards yourself and this will allow you to move forwards towards different choices.