5 days clean :)

might be a small achievement but i'm happy.

the fact that i'm proud of myself is an achievement of its own, i think. i used to feel worse about staying clean - i would think to myself, "you must not really be struggling then. you're just being dramatic about everything." or "you don't deserve to recover/go this long without it." i haven't had those thoughts lately. i feel proud of myself instead. and i don't hate myself for relapsing when i do.

i don't think i'll be able to recover like this though. given that i have no friends or support, all the reasons i started and keep going, traumatic experiences i never really dealt with..

but i'm doing my best. some things that help me when i'm having thoughts are chatting with someone like at trevor project or certain listeners here; making myself as comfy as possible with blankets and cozy clothes and holding my favorite stuffed animal while watching a comfort show (that way not only do i feel safe and distracted but i'm too comfy to get up and get my sh tool lol); something else from my cards (i have four index cards with sh alternatives, i don't use them often anymore but it's like distractions, self-care, outlets, and sense. so for example sense has bullet points like splashing water on my face while outlets would be like listening to sad music or writing); or a combination of all.

thanks for reading :)