long vent tw

please don't waste your time reading this, and if you do, don't write something like "oh that's not true, you're great!" i hate that.

i don't even know how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking. i don't even know if i'm feeling numb. i keep wanting to say things like "i'm tired" or "i'm frustrated" but idk if i am. i want to say i feel horrible right now. maybe i'm confused or stressed or i'm completely fine. i don't even know.

i haven't seen my therapist in two weeks now. two days ago i cleaned and organized my room and all my work and put up my art prints and lights and everything. other than that i'm completely failing and ruining everything. yesterday i did nothing, today i did even less.

"i am a human being, not a human doing." that's the quote in her office and the one she told me to try to remind myself of. i can't. i hate myself so much right now. i hate being like this. i'm crying again.. it's been a couple weeks since i cried i think, and i was crying multiple times a day. i haven't had these self-loathing thoughts since then either but now they're back, and everything is bad again.

i almost relapsed today - i put the tool to my arm for a while, then i made a bunch of really light "scratches" - the white kind that goes away when they get wet. i didn't want to mess up another thing, but i guess it doesn't matter, since i'm messing everything else up anyways. who cares.

everyone hates me, i hate me, i'm a horrible, rude, useless, stupid person. i'm a waste of a life. i feel so bad for everyone who wasted time in their life trying to talk to me or help me. i know everyone wants me to leave. i hate myself for burdening those people. i hate myself for pushing away people who were just trying to be nice, and i hate myself for letting them talk to me in the first place.

i know they're gonna be so mad at me for lying, but what's the point in doing anything if i'm going to fail anyways (in which case they get to say "i told you so"), and if i don't, they'll take credit? i don't want to do anything they say and i hate being around them. everything they say is about what a failure i am, except when i lie and say i'm doing what they asked. they're so conditional.. and all they care about is how they look. that's why they spread a lie about me to the entire family without telling me. they didn't care when they found out i sh, they just wanted to punish and guilt me. i can't. ***. stand. when people tell me "they really care about you, trust me." you don't know them! you don't. i know everything they've done and you know nothing. they do not care about me at all. and i'm supposed to love them, because you have to love your family no matter what. but i hate them, so much, and i can't stand how they've treated me and talked to and about me, and it's not just me being an angsty teenager. most of the time when i sh it's because of them.

i hate the fake niceness. nobody cares. nobody understands. but everyone *** thinks they do. everyone thinks they're doing me a favor by talking to me because i'm this lonely kid in the corner who desperately needs a friend. i'm not, and i don't need that. i don't want to be friends with someone who just pities me. i wish everyone would shut up and leave me alone. i don't want to be nurtured, i don't want sympathy, i want everyone to mind their own *** business and let me be.

"really? nobody? not even like.." shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up.

i wish i could just function and be normal and okay all the time like everyone else.