My first long and deep depression took place during the middle and high school.
To resume as quickly as possible, I was bullied in middle school, my so called friend used to hit me and insult me everyday, then all other teens always made fun of me, spit on me, push me on the corridors, judge me, etc. cause I was different and weird. I felt bad in my own skin, I hated myself, I felt disgusting and ugly, I dressed differently from others, and had (and still have) very low esteem of myself. So I wanted to end myself. I tried to commit ***cide. Never told that to anyone cause I feel stupid and ashame of it...
It was on a very cold winter, on the garden's family was a pond (around 3 meters of depth), at that time it was frozen, but the ice wasn't that thick, and so I told myself that I was gonna walk on to it, I guess I needed to feel something, adrenaline perhaps, then I was walking in the ice I arrive at the middle of the pond, i felt weirdly at peace, even though i could feel the ice cracking beneath my feet, it's like I didn't care if I was to fall underwater. And I layed down there, felt the cold, my cracked lips, my body shaking, my frozen hands, I admire the sky, as if it was the last time. After maybe hours I walked back near to the border, and that's when suddenly the ice broke, I was underwater, it goes so quickly it probably last only just seconds but it felt like hours, I let myself drown, closed my eyes, let my lungs slowly filled, I felt the weight of my clothes and boots dragging me down the bottom. Then I thought of my parents, my sisters, my few friends... And I felt selfish cause even though depression told you how no one would care if you died you still can realise it's not true, I don't want to hurt the people I care about. I really wanted to die but I told myself at that moment that I'll try to live again for them. I try to swim to reach the surface, but the weight of my coat and clothes was so heavy, I was suffocating, I was also a bad swimmer, it's then I saw a branch of bamboo that lean close to the surface, idk how I succeeded hang it it but I did, I pulled myself out of the pond thanks to that branch. I believe I could of drown if that branch wasn't there. It took me some minutes to get myself together, sitting on the ground by the edge of the pond that I just fell into. When my parents get home and saw me all wet and frozen to the bones they freaked out, but I told a stupid lie like that I just played too close to the pond and just slip out on the snow and they seemed to believed me...
But to continue living, I needed to feel something else then the pain inside so this is where I started hurting myself, first by punching myself giving myself bruises on my thighs and belly, but it wasn't enough so I started c**ting myself, my wrist and my thights.
