I had been clean for a year ☹️

I spent several minutes thinking about what topic, or I don't know what it's called, to write about. Because I don't know what's going on in my head

I have had falls and gotten up several times, but when I feel well again I self-harm again and it's all over, And so on

But anyway, when you think there won't be any more or that it's all over, you realize that it wasn't true. Speaking of feeling like this is gonna be forever.

What I mean is that even if I feel fine and I relapse again, The time that I have been feeling better and without doing anything is lasting longer and longer each time

guess it means I'm getting out of this depressive spiral, Slowly, but I'm glad all the same

It makes me angry to relapse when it had lasted so long but at least I lasted a long time. Although, sometimes when I relapse and do it again I feel like it lasted a long time but in reality it was not very long.

I would like help with one thing;

My partner, who has also been through this, already knows what happens to me. It was hard for me to tell him, but he supported me and made me feel much better.

But there is something that makes me angry, and that is that I feel as if I had not told him anything. He's still the same as always and it makes me angry, because even though he loves me and treats me as always, which I appreciate, I feel like I don't know and I'm alone.

I guess I should know, but I don't want to be reminded all the time either. And I don't know what I want exactly