Scars on my arm(tw for self harm -duh)

There are four scars on my arm and wrist and one that should be there. Five. Four and one, is how I think. It is easier, better , to think of it this way. Four stupid mistakes and one accident. Three by knives. Two by sharp fingernails. One of those two using scissors to help. Four born of pain , one of uncoordination. Three lines, straight and horizontal. One line, curved and vertical. One dot , small and red like a bug bite.

the accident was not supposed to happen. A Stanley knife slip while cutting up tin cans for an old forgotten craft project. Into the side of the left thumb. Muscle visible through the cut. Fat the only thing that meant the damage was nothing more than a scar. A bandage and steri strips. Bandage had to stay on for five days. Strips for a week.I

Who knows how long ago

The first mistake was dangerous. Cutting paper with a rusty craft knife. Dispear. Friends got the wrong account of mine for a group project. Wasn't added to the group chat. Pain. A slight cut on the back of the left hand. About an inch long. On the right side of the hand. Continued opening and reopening for two weeks. Three weeks? Time didn't seem like much, then. Until parents noticed. Blamed it on the cat.

A year or so ago

The second mistake was most likely because of a girl. Some half memories. Sitting next to a seat that did not have the right person in. Scissors pressed on wrist. Cut later deepened at home with a real knife. An outdoor hair clip. A flat head screwdriver served to reopen the cut. I remember doing so on the school bus. Doing so knelt on a picnic table . Friends seeing. Hair clip being taken. Threats to give it to my parents and tell them. The one piece of advice I can never forget "it'll get better, it always gets better"

Maybe half a year ago

The third and fourth mistakes happened one after another. A loud English class. Trying to write about a Christmas carol. Failing. The world feeling overwhelming and impossible. Jokes. Finger nail pressed into wrist. Vulnerable skin made to bleed with fast, violent scissor strokes, no , swipes.

A loud bus. Or maybe not. Felt unmanageable. Fingernail twisted around and dug into skin, conjured blood. Quiet space during pe. An re activity. Written down messages, apologies. Apologised for cutting and a love confession.

Last September

My new year's resolution was not to cut. I'm doing better. I hope.