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blue422electricboogalo
1,429 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 233 Compassion hearts28 Forum posts95 Forum upvotes42 Current upvotes42 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2020 Member sinceMay 7, 2019
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Scars on my arm(tw for self harm -duh)
Self-Harm Recovery / by blue422electricboogalo
Last post
 August 28th, 2019
...See more There are four scars on my arm and wrist and one that should be there. Five. Four and one, is how I think. It is easier, better , to think of it this way. Four stupid mistakes and one accident. Three by knives. Two by sharp fingernails. One of those two using scissors to help. Four born of pain , one of uncoordination. Three lines, straight and horizontal. One line, curved and vertical. One dot , small and red like a bug bite. the accident was not supposed to happen. A Stanley knife slip while cutting up tin cans for an old forgotten craft project. Into the side of the left thumb. Muscle visible through the cut. Fat the only thing that meant the damage was nothing more than a scar. A bandage and steri strips. Bandage had to stay on for five days. Strips for a week.I Who knows how long ago The first mistake was dangerous. Cutting paper with a rusty craft knife. Dispear. Friends got the wrong account of mine for a group project. Wasn't added to the group chat. Pain. A slight cut on the back of the left hand. About an inch long. On the right side of the hand. Continued opening and reopening for two weeks. Three weeks? Time didn't seem like much, then. Until parents noticed. Blamed it on the cat. A year or so ago The second mistake was most likely because of a girl. Some half memories. Sitting next to a seat that did not have the right person in. Scissors pressed on wrist. Cut later deepened at home with a real knife. An outdoor hair clip. A flat head screwdriver served to reopen the cut. I remember doing so on the school bus. Doing so knelt on a picnic table . Friends seeing. Hair clip being taken. Threats to give it to my parents and tell them. The one piece of advice I can never forget "it'll get better, it always gets better" Maybe half a year ago The third and fourth mistakes happened one after another. A loud English class. Trying to write about a Christmas carol. Failing. The world feeling overwhelming and impossible. Jokes. Finger nail pressed into wrist. Vulnerable skin made to bleed with fast, violent scissor strokes, no , swipes. A loud bus. Or maybe not. Felt unmanageable. Fingernail twisted around and dug into skin, conjured blood. Quiet space during pe. An re activity. Written down messages, apologies. Apologised for cutting and a love confession. Last September My new year's resolution was not to cut. I'm doing better. I hope.
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It's been a while
Self-Harm Recovery / by blue422electricboogalo
Last post
 August 27th, 2019
...See more Hey, it's been a few months since I cut -last September I think , I didn't have much awareness of time back then. Not much recently either. My time awareness goes back when I fall. Right now I'm good. Just recovering from jet lag and stuff. I've wanted to cut. Gotten close. Dug my fingernail into the side of my thumb and half-hoped it would bleed. Bit into the side of my mouth. Cracked my lips. Pressed down on and picked at other, natural, wounds. Hurt myself mentally. Read the written down version of my friend's thoughts "[name] talks about killing herself almost casually" because I knew it would hurt. Clenched my hands into fists so tight that my nails dig into my palm. Held into the weak Swiss army knife in my pocket and told myself , no - I cannot , not with someone else's knife,. Thought " I want to physically stab myself ". Told my friends , worrying them for an entire day. So , yeah, I've been clean from cutting. My wrist shows no new scars. I don't know if any of these other acts count as self harm too. Maybe they do. I should try and make them stop too.
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I guess this is how it is
Journals & Diaries / by blue422electricboogalo
Last post
 June 8th, 2019
...See more I'm lying in my bed with tears drying on my cheeks, on this website before I go to sleep. This is my habit now. I've never been able to get more than a two day streak but that's okay. What's really weirding me out is the crying. At school I always feel at least kinda okay - sometimes I feel close to tears because of a n awkward social th ing or loud and overwhelming things but a lot of the time that's temporary and goes away after a minute or so. After school i watch YouTube , talk to my friends and do homework - I'm pretty happy during these points too, though recently I've started getting pretty bad headaches during this time. I just don't understand how I only ever cry while in bed and not any where else or at any other points. The worries are still there during the day and I listen to audio books or similar to stop myself from having to think that much at night. Any advice or help or just something would be massively appreciated. I just want to know why I'm like this, it makes me feel like I'm pretending to my friends.
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