I don't know where to put this...
I started cutting when I was 11 and it progressively not worse until I was 26. I stopped just like that. I was ok. Life was going well. I never thought I'd do it again but I did recently.
I am having urges again because my sleeping demons were awoken. The nightmare that took me so long to escape is returning in a different form. I'm not sure if I will be reliving this trauma for the rest of my life but these feelings cause me to urge.
there is this feeling I'm carrying with me... Its hard to explain other than the word violated. Whenever it feels like this I want to make it stop..I don't think cutting can make my head stop anymore but maybe it can redirect the pain.
I've only disclosed what happened on here but not irl. I'm still nervous about what people will think of me. :/ I'm sorry I am faulty and damaged.
i feel very ruined and sometimes I don't know where the line between adrenaline addiction coping to calm down ends and how much is about punishment. With the traumatic memories flooding my soul i feel I need punished for telling anyone what happened.
I'm glad people don't understand this hell but I think I need people who understand the crazy things in my head.
Ty for taking time to read this.
@MissyAmerica
Hi there, I read your post and well, I dont know if you were waiting for a reply, maybe not but I just wanted to tell you this: you dont have to be sorry about how you feel, your emotions are your own and they are valid and you dont need to apologize about them or about telling your story, its your story and you have every right to share it. I know that we often feel the need to be sorry about the way we feel or about what we share when its heavy stuff, sometimes people make us feel sorry about it bu its important (as much as possible) to try to keep in mind (well to put it in our mind at first because its not easy) that we are allowed to feel however we feel.
Now I dont know what happened and Im not asking to know (if you do need to talk about it though, Im here for you!) and I also know that I cant make you change the way you feel about all this just like that. I sure believe that no one deserves to be punished like that for telling what happened but I know that when we trust something and feel it, words cant easily make us change our mind unfortunately... I just hope that you will be able sometime to share your story to someone trustworthy without feeling sorry about it and that they will support you well because that's what you deserve, support and not punishment.
Sorry Im probably not making much sense, I just couldnt not reply, and for what its worth, it got better once so theres no reason why it couldnt get better another time (I hope it will and real soon!), just stay strong and take good care of yourself!
Also if youd like to check out this link, there are many suggestions of alternatives to self-harm, who knows if maybe one can help your head stop (or at least slow it down!) and prevent you from redirecting the pain towards your own body!
If anything, were here for you 
