Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence
Self-esteem and self-confidence, I believe these two aspects go hand-in-hand. One affects the other in both ways, positively and negatively.
Over the decade or so, I've realized that at least for myself, my self-esteem and self-confidence had constantly been hindered by my own mother. Almost everyday, she would complain to me of my flaws. Whether that be my life, my personality, my appearance, my diet, just everything.
With my birthday in 10 days from now, I'll be in my late 30s. As much as blame myself (being an introvert) for not going out and about meeting people (or leaving my house at all), I think a large part of it is due to the comments my mother tells me nearly everyday. How much it impacts how I see myself, how I worry others will see me, and what others will think of me when all those flaws my mother mentioned about it me is discovered by the other person.
She makes it sound like my future looks very gloomy, unsuccessful, and will be full of illnesses when I get older.. It's been making me very self-conscious, thinking that there's really something wrong with me, or that I don't deserve to be loved.. I've always been thinking, and is afraid, of what my future will be like if I am unable to meet a partner to spend the rest of my life with.. At this age, it seems impossible to meet anybody.. It makes it that much more difficult when I don't have any friends (so, it's not like I could meet others amongst friends' friends).. Sorry, I'm just going off topic now..
So, with this self-esteem and self-confidence working hand-in-hand.. it feels like my life is crumbling more than growing/developing.. and it's all because I've been influenced by the things my mother has been telling over the past decade or so.. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Hi @Jaeteuk
Who is the most important person in the world to you? There is a story about a husband and wife and the wife asks her husband who is the most important to him. Much to her disappointment he answers that he is the most important person to himself. She goes to the Buddha and asks if she shouldn’t be the most important person to her husband. The Buddha answers that, no it makes sense that the very fist person that is most important is ourselves. I’m telling this from hearing this very long ago so I may have messed up the details. But the importance of the story to me was that we are by design made to protect ourselves and we are responsible for ourselves. Initially our parents have that role of protector and they are responsible for us. As we reach adulthood we must become our own parent. We may have commitments to others and some of those commitments, such as marriage, may imply and demand that they are our priority. But it’s hard to really be there for our spouse if we can’t take care of ourselves. On commercial jets we get the safety briefing including, “If you’re traveling with a small child and we loose air pressure, put on your own oxygen mask before helping your child.” The reason for this is, if you pass out trying to help your child first you might not finish securing their oxygen mask and now both of you will suffocate. — of course not all of us have children or spouses or significant others but hopefully my point will be clearer in the next paragraph.
So, what does all that have to do with self esteem. It is meant to emphasize the SELF part of self esteem. Yeah, I get that other people can get in our heads, especially our parents. It can be really hard to not let it affect us. But their voice is not part of you. When you hear that voice let it go. Tell it politely that you’re not going to listen. But also quit insisting that you must have self esteem issues because of mother. You’re an adult and part of being an adult is not listening to harmful messages that come from people directly or that we replay or sometimes even just imagine in our head. Self esteem comes from deciding at a very basic level that you have arrived on planet earth just exactly like all other humans. Your existence unequivocally proves you belong here. You deserve to find happiness just like any other human. Your mother’s expectations of you, her stories about you are HER construction. If you had a different mother they would bring their own set of ideas. It’s all very arbitrary since each of us is born into our own body. It’s own self contained universe, and a splendidly important universe to us and us alone. In short, don’t search for proof of SELF esteem worthiness in outside sources. Decide that your self is important and worthy and throw away measuring sticks (yours, your moms, society, etc) and *poof like magic* you now have self esteem that is rarely shaken, but when it is just remember that you are THE MOST important person to you.
Thank you for your reassurance. You are right, about our parents being protective to us during our childhood.. I think with my parents, they had been overprotective, now, they're blaming me to have not "grown up" to their expectations.
You know, I was much more confident about myself, when we went on a family vacation the past month.. I almost thought I was going to start a better life, and have more self-esteem/confidence about myself.. But, I'm also someone who's easily influenced what others say about me.. and to have my mother saying things to make me feel small.. it really doesn't help.. yes, I am an adult, so, at the same time, I just wish she'd get off my back. Say something more helpful (to my emotional needs) or something more positive.
@PineTreeTree
@Jaeteuk Yeah you reminded me about my experience visiting one of my parents and thinking that after having been away from them for so long I would have on strong emotional armor. I thought, this time they will listen to me. It never worked that way. This didn’t happen just once, it happened every time I visited. Selective amnesia I guess 😂
@Jaeteuk
Hello, i can relate to your problem too and honestly it can be incredibly difficult to practice self-love when other people try to bring you down...but like other people have said, the most important opinion is your own opinion, other people's opinion don't matter, so you don't have to listen to them. Because other people's opinions may not be true anyways.
Practicing self-love and self-confidence is something that requires years of practice. And if you relapse, then that's totally okay because relapses are part of the healing process.
Just remember that you are inherently worthy and other people's negative comments and your own failures don't change the fact that you're worthy and good enough. It's okay to fail and it's okay to cry ( and people who cry often are actually more emotionally strong and empathetic than those who don't ). But please do not ever give up, keep on fighting even when it's very painful at times. And i hope, after the fight is over, you'll find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Remember that we're rooting for you and we want to see you do well in life. 加油!
@pinkKite8784 
Love this image!
I'm thinking about getting some counselling.. It'll be difficult to do this myself, as I'm the type of person who gets influenced by what others say to me, especially as a family member, all these years, it's been engraved and made it sound like it's nothing but the truth.. Unfortunately, the counselling I'm getting, does not offer family (group counselling), only one-on-one (because it's free), but I'm thinking it could still help.. Maybe they could help me figure out how to counter my mum's negative comments in a nice way, rather than have it turn into an argument.. and if my mum agrees, I could also get our doctor to refer her over, and she could see someone by herself, so she could learn how to not always say negative things to me..
Like last night, we had our yearly dinner, with relatives, in celebration for my Aunt's birthday and Chinese New Years (my Aunt follows the lunar calendar, but she always arrange for a dinner 2 weeks prior, as the set dinners would not be as pricey).. I had to change 2 sets of clothes, because she said I looked like I dressed too sporty.. She was like, "I want you to understand that we're going out for dinner with your Aunt, as a birthday celebration. Although we don't need to dress super formal, but the top you're wearing is not suitable for a dinner setting at a restaurant that is considered as upper middle class. It's too sporty, the material of the top is not appropriate." Then, when I finally wore the right top, and went to wear my shoes, I chose a pair of light-coloured shoe, it's new and not like they were sneakers either. At first, she was telling me, I can wear either those shoes or a pair of black shoes.. Then, once we've started making our way on the road, she goes on saying, "You should wear the black pair of shoes instead, as it matches better with your clothes. Even better would be a pair of low black boots (which she knows I don't have)." I kept quiet. Because I knew, if I said anything, it would've turned into an argument.. but I was thinking, "You might as well tell me to wear the black shoes when I was putting this pair on at home, rather than complaining about it to me in the car." I was upset with her comment on the shoes. Like, I can't even wear clothing I'm comfortable with, or wear what I feel is appropriate for the occasion. She always have some sort of negative comment for me. It's upsetting, and I feel I'm not an individual adult on my own. Like, my decisions are not good, that it doesn't meet her standards, ever meet them.
Like, when I help with house chores, she doesn't say how clean something looks, but always say what I missed. Or that I should've gone the extra mile and did something else too. Like, she's never satisfied with just what I have done, and always finds something bad to say about it. Makes me realize if she ever notices how she talks to me, actually hurts me more, emotionally, than as she calls it, "Teaching me and telling me what is right".. Are all mothers like this to their daughters? Like overly protective and trying to stick their noses in our lives and steer our life in a direction they want it to go? I feel my mum has never respected me for who I am, as I've never acted the way she thinks a 30-some year old should act like. But heading into my late 30s this week, she's still on me like I'm 10.
@pinkKite8784
@Jaeteuk
Honestly not all mothers are like this, but Chinese parents ( especially moms ) tend to be like this. I can kind of relate to you because I grew up with Chinese parents and i have quite a lot of Chinese friends myself that think that their moms are like this too. There's even a game called Chinese Parents and a couple of memes like Steven He, Two Set Violin, etc.
@Jaeteuk
It's good to hear that you're trying counseling and it's okay if it's 1-1. It is so so tiring to have a mom that constantly belittles you and puts you down, and you deserve a lot better.
And yes i agree that you are an adult already, so she doesn't have the right to control you like a kid, especially if it's something trivial like your outfit