The end
I don't know how much I'm allowed say about this, I don't want to break any rules or upset anyone. But I have these thoughts that I can't tell anyone. I don't want to make anyone worry or seem attention seeking. But I don't want to be here anymore. It's more that I feel I shouldn't be here. I cause too much trouble. I don't have a plan but I have a date set. It just seems like the right thing to do, to leave and let people get on with their lives without all the shit I cause them. But I feel guilty because people always say it will ruin everyone's life etc. but surely being alive and upsetting everyone is worse? I'm mostly afraid for my niece and nephew, in case it scars them for life. They're only 3 and 5 and I wonder if they're young enough that they'd forget, or would it really traumatise them. I just don't know.. But the more things that happen everyday give me more proof that this is the right thing to do. I had my psych appointment two weeks ago. I told him I've been thinking about it but now that I have a date set and am trying to figure out a plan. I was talking to my cousin who actually works for a suicide charity but I could tell her either. I had to joke around and make her laugh. I don't want my family to know. I've put them through more than enough with all my shit. I don't know what to do. I know I won't do it but knowing I can keels me going, which sounds ironic but knowing this doesn't have to be forvever and there's a way out is good to know.
I dont know your situation, but I believe you are strong. Please believe in yourself! You can make it past this. You are very brave and if you need someone to talk to, im here. -Nick
Thank you, that means a lot. I can't decide what would be the better thing to do for everyone, I just want what's best for everyone else. I'm happy enough to keep plodding along but I can't stand that I'm upsetting people with my behaviour. I believe this site can help though, I've a good feeling about it. I believe also that if I was even capable of going through with it then I would have done it long ago, when things were much worse. That thought is kind ofcomforting cos I know I won't ever do it no matter what. I mean, ican't do that to people can I? It's just the depression tries to make me believe that everyone would better off without me.. Also I don't want yet another failed attempt, so I'll only do it if I know I can actually do it. That's the only thing that's stopped me recently to be honest. And my little niece who has lately become so,taken with and attached to me :)'
Oh I also meantto say that I keep writing posts on this other site I'm on, but then I just delete them again straight away cos I don't feel important enough to post about it. This site feels different though, in a good way.
This site is very helpful! Glad you are here!
Thank you. Also, I put out all these hints about how I'm feeling on instagram, cos I can't just come out and say it to anyone, I'd feel like a burden, but no one ever notices the hints anyway. I straight out told a now ex friend that if I had a way to do it I'd do it, and she didn't even respond, just kept talking about herself as usual. Later she asked what all the suicidal posts were about, well what did she think? I didn't answer and she never mentioned it again. I just realised as well that when I feel down and stuff I would never just randomly message a friend to tell them. Even though people do with me. I don't mind that, I just wouldn't do it myself cos no one would care anyway.
No matter how you feel, you can send me a message anytime you need to vent! I will listen!
@BeBrave13 I accidentally stumble upon this post on my dashboard and it got my attention. As your codename suggests - Be Brave!!! All of us have lots on our plate right now but you can always drop me a shoot if you need someone to talk to. I don't know if the cross you are carrying is heavier than mine, I have no idea what you are going through... but as long as we are breathing, there is Hope. I am trying to convince myself that no matter how rough the road, no matter how tough the battle is, I should remain alive and standing.... and right now, being stronger is the only option I have. I understand how tiring life is, how days grow darker and darker... but you are not alone.. I AM HERE.... more than willing to listen.
Nicely said Wanda! :-)
thanks Parker. how nice of you to offer an ear to someone who feels like giving up. hope all is well with u.
Doing much better Wanda! Thanks
Thank you both SO much. You've given me hope and a reason not to do this. You've proved that someone does actually care. Sometimes that's all we need to know, isn't it? It might seem a silly reason but I was thinking I'm getting so much stuff for Christmas and my birthday, it would be a waste and a shame to end it and not get to enjoy them. It's a silly reason but it doesn't matter, any reason that stops me is a reason worth it. I may get in I touch sometime, I'm still a bit shy about that, but you've already both hoped so much. Another reason is to stay here just to annoy the people who have upset me lol.
its true that everyone is going through their own stuff and I hope you will both be ok too. Know that you have helped someone who was ready to give up. You're both amazing, I won't forget this.
You are loved! Take care of yourself! Remember, Nick Cares!
Thank you both SO much. You've given me hope and a reason not to do this. You've proved that someone does actually care. Sometimes that's all we need to know, isn't it? It might seem a silly reason but I was thinking I'm getting so much stuff for Christmas and my birthday, it would be a waste and a shame to end it and not get to enjoy them. It's a silly reason but it doesn't matter, any reason that stops me is a reason worth it. I may get in I touch sometime, I'm still a bit shy about that, but you've already both hoped so much. Another reason is to stay here just to annoy the people who have upset me lol.
its true that everyone is going through their own stuff and I hope you will both be ok too. Know that you have helped someone who was ready to give up. You're both amazing, I won't forget this.