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Suicide...The other side

Skits13 September 3rd, 2014
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Hi Everyone.

I had a profound experience yesterday that I thought appropriate to share in this forum.

A bit of a background. I have attempted suicide 9 times in my lifetime, 2 near fatal. I have Bipolar Disorder and my depressions get so bad I get hospitalized. Thankfully I haven't been that bad in over 3 years now.

I put my family through hell with my attempts. Like a lot of suicidal people I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to escape. There were times the pain was just so bad I felt it was my only option.

The last time I attempted, it was very difficult on my 2 grown daughters. They never understood why I never felt they were worth living for. That sobered me up real quick and decided to put my 11% into recovery. I'm not there yet and I do get ideation but haven't acted on it.

I have found that our minds like to play tricks on us. It tells you everything you want to hear but here's the problem, our mind is also trying to kill us. It gives us every reason in the world to think we are not worthy of a life. I've been down this road many times before.

The other day I got a call from a very old friend. She called to tell me her brother passed away. He committed suicide...

I've tried to be as supportive as I possibly can to his family but struggling with my own feelings toward it all.

I see a family in such pain and disbelief. His kids are 24, 21 and 14. They are absolutely devastated and is very painful to watch.

This really has triggered me. I have always felt terrible about what I put my family through but now I see it in a completely different light. I now see the other side of it. Something I never gave a second thought to.

My friends brother coped the best way he knew how but in the process has unloaded such a burden onto his family. His children will forever be haunted by their father's actions. There will never be closure. I never got it until now and just beside myself with grief for him, his family, my kids, my family and myself.

I've already talked to one of my daughters this morning and apologized for everything I put her through. Next I will speak to my other daughter.

Again, this has been a profound experience for me. One that I certainly will never forget and on those really bad days when I've had all I can take, I'll take a little bit more because my daughters deserve better than that.

6
RoseKay September 3rd, 2014
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well, sometimes when you think about suicide you dnt think of all the pain tht your family will have but its hard sometimes to keep living for example im having a hard time, tht at 3am i wke up and go to my kitchen (i live alone now)(my mom passed away she took her life 4 weeks ago) i took a knife and i put it in my chest for 10 min! cause i was having a panick attack! i ddnt met my moms or dads family, for me suicide is my way out for my pain

unbroken54 September 3rd, 2014
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I'm so sorry !

Skits13 OP September 3rd, 2014
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I feel horrible right now. I'm so sorry

unbroken54 September 3rd, 2014
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Skits,

you are very brave and strong!

sevenlettergirl September 3rd, 2014
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I made attempts several times too and came close a few too. It got a lot better after counselling with a friend who taught me how to pray and rebuke Satan and the spirits that were tormenting me. Sometimes I still have thoughts, but there is a night and day difference for me and one big change I noticed is that I do not feel so out of control about it. This has been a large part of the answer for me.It's been more than 10 years since my last attempt and I have quit threatening myself with self-harm. It is a difficult thing that only those of us who have struggled with can understand how consuming and how real it is to feel this negative force in our lives.

justwabttogetbetter September 7th, 2014
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I'm looking at this page still in the hospital. I tried to commit suice yesterday. I fell ashamed ....I am embarrassed of it all. This is the first time . I feel like no one understands just how overwhelmed I am and what drive me this . My husband told me he is not mad at me but he's disappointed and feels like he has fault for not trying hard enough. I don't know what happens after this . I kinda wish I could stay here in this hospital room forever. I'm that ashamed and I still have the same feeling like I want to escape how I feel but I'm not thinking suicidal thoughts . I'm just thinking that I wish I could stay in a room like this . I don't feel like going to work. I don't feel like having normal conversation with anyone . I just don't feel like doing anything and I wish this feeling would go away. I wish I felt alive and had ambition of some kind. I feel like I don't know what to do. At some point I thought I was just getting lazy but now I think this is how it feels to be depressed. I don't know how to get better

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