Loneliness

Hi um

i am a male 14 

I have never been really interested in relationships as I deemed them irrelevant as I grew up, there would be times I would get sad after watching couples happily stroll by me, I have never opened up about this topic, but today tipped me into this because I have never felt so alone and empty, when I spoke  to myself today it wasn’t a feeling a loneliness that just by talking into a cave the voice slowly fades away, today it feels like I want to feel heard and just yell as hard as I can, but the cave absorbs my voice with no echo to be heard, today I feel so lost, all through out middle school I never had a talking stage,I have never had a girlfriend, I never had any female friends all through out middle school, let alone ANY sort of friends, now as a high schooler I see 4 times the amount of relationships that I saw in middle school, I feel so hollow that girls do not look my way, and that any upperclassmen can just exist, and have like 20 girls surrounding him, I hate seeing these people in relationships, I have never had anything against them, but why can’t I get a try? When is it my turn? When can I get the blessing of having a girl who only has eyes for me?? Why? Why not ME? I hate these happy people I hate seeing any of them happy? Why isn’t my effort less effective when they don’t even TRY?? My blood boils whenever I see happyness fill their eyes, why can’t happyness fill MINE?? Why am I the odd one out??? The only times I don’t feel like an empty void, is when that void is filled with boiled pure hatred, I want to stop hating, but that’s the only way I know how to respond to these stupid happy people, I don’t want to live in misery, I want to get out of this cycle, when. Will. It. Be. My. turn.