just a vent

I probably burned all my bridges.
Well, it was my choice. Honestly, they weren't very good bridges to begin with, to go along with the metaphor. I've decided to seriously cut ties with my siblings.

To be specific, my older sibling. They were the last...""friend"" I had. My other connections are falling as collateral damage.

I kind of don't have anyone at all anymore. No family, no friends. It's starting to heavily affect me mentally, though. There's nothing that will distract me from the crushing loneliness that always followed me. I mean crushing very literally.

(Due to the stress it apparently puts me in, I'm having very heavy suffocating sensations. My chest hurts a lot. My limbs also feel weird and detached? I don't appreciate it.)

I often wish I hadn't taken this place to be born. I don't really get along with anyone. I guess I come off as annoying, weird, and boring to them. Doesn't matter what persona I adopt, eventually all the fake paint has to come off. I can't do that right either I guess.

To be objective, I can hold a conversation, but it's one-sided and only about the other person. I guess I'm just not worth bothering to put effort into. Tried to bring myself up in them before, but it hits dead ends. Not gonna, lie, it's kind of comical how hard people don't want to hear it. I want to laugh but it hurts, too.

I remember bringing up my problem of feeling outcast and pushed out to different people. And then they all said it was my fault, basically.

"You're not giving them a chance!"

Of course, there's actually some truth to this statement. But I'm not gonna push my chances on people who go to Jupiter when I try to include myself in my own conversation.

No matter who I turn to, I'm always in the wrong about this. My being is always wrong. That whole idea that the right person will stay, is true, but people can't seem to accept that those people are next to nonexistent for me. Somehow it's my fault that...people turn me away?

I'm not perfect, furthest thing from perfect. Of course I have flaws. But it doesn't make sense how I'm the one at fault when I can't even get 5 sentences that aren't entirely catered to them.

I only ever had one real friend, but i actually burned that one. Just so I can fit with some people who forget I'm in the room.

I guess this is harsh but I find myself disgusted by people's expectations of friendships more and more. In particular how they apply it to me. There would always be an undertone, of how I was wasn't considered acceptable and I needed to go every length to change it. That I wasn't trying hard enough when I couldn't do it like "normal people."

Of course people don't say it so bluntly like that. It's just implied over time.
Even now someone's probably going to come and put me in a box, say I have a loser's attitude or something. It only makes me feel more and more distant.

Recently, I've been feeling less and less.

I'm really at a breaking point now I guess. I'm struggling to really hold on to anything. I'm only still here because I kind of care about people but I no longer want to bother with them personally.

In some ways I miss being blind to how cast out I was, but at the same time I would rather die this way than deform myself to please people again. I'm still nothing and there's still nothing really, but I at least get to keep what little of integrity I do have left.

If you read this for some odd reason, hope you're having a good night/time.
Hopefully something nice happens to you soon.