feeling down

@tessa81 omg this all sounds really awful and overwhelming. I feel for you. :( Before I say more, could you explain to me why you're still with this man? (I mean, I know that might be hard, especially in a moment where you're feeling really down!) I imagine the kids are a big anchor you have to him but are there any other reasons? :/ I'm just trying to get a better understanding of the situation because it sounds like there are no wins here.

@tessa81

Hey there, hopefully things are going well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

feeling at a complete loss. experiencing issues in my marriage that just repeat themselves and never go away. i have tried to address them but failed. this is what i am really struggling with (see below). im having a down day today. i take medication for anxiety, but get depressing days

-first thing in the morning, husband usually wants to be sexually intimate. (He is coming on strong, trying to force things, acting desperate, not taking the time to read your body language.)

-soon as the kids are asleep, he wants sexual intimacy

(This is not a good sign, its as if he expects to be all read when he is...it doesn't work that way...)

-no non-sexual intimacy in between. (He is starting to see you as an object here not as a person)

-doesnt respect when i have anxiety, (He lacks empathy and understanding regarding anxiety. I can tell he is probably rude towards you, and he doesn't make you feel heard and understood). pushes me to be a certain way and reacts when i am not, (This tells me he is being controlling by attempting to change you to conform with what he wants, and manipulative when you dont go along with this) even when i ask for some space or a minute for myself ....which causes me to have an outburst because he doesnt give me any space. (He is smothering you and not listening to what you want. These are not good signs...)

-his drinking which is outside of moderation (This is definitely going to make his moods worst, and will often be in a bad mood)

-hes aggressive (The drinking makes this worst, but he is showing lack of emotional self control)

-he cant just listen when i try and talk to him about something, (He is focused on his own world, how he feels, on his needs to the point where he is not listening or valuing what you want to share) has to have a forceful opinion and tell me i am feeling the opposite or different to what i am saying which causes major conflict (He is being negative here, he is forcing his views or opinions becauase he is fearful and it hurts his own ego. He shouldn't behave this way with you because it will cause you to feel disconnected and not safe with him)

-cant speak to him about his family, he gets defensive and angry (This tells me he went through a lot of neglect, abandonment issues, unmet needs, possible physical or emotional abuse to the point where it cause him to feel angry about this topic because he has not healed from what happened)

-makes me feel like i am always wrong whenever i want to talk (He is being negative here, its awful of him to say these things to you)

-makes me feel like i am on my own and not part of his family (I suggest you dont become a part of his family, they probably have their own issues as well)

-cant expect him to have an understanding about anything i want to talk to him about ....(He is not the kind of partner who will listen and give empathy because he ie selfish and mostly focus on his insecurities when you want to talk about something) im always explaining, he then blames, criticises or judges..(He is being negative here again. This kind od behavior would make you feel less than him and then you will feel disconnected in the marriage. He is also projecting feelings on you and doesn't have the maturity to accept responsibility for his own actions) i am made out to be very wrong

-most common outcome is me going to bed away from him and time wasted, life passing me by as i spend it in the bedroom looking at the four walls.... wasting my life (You will not be happy with a man like him, he only cares about himself and his needs. You got two choices; You can either accept this is the way he is or you could leave to find someone better. To be honest, you dont deserve being with someone who is not marriage or relationship material. You have to think about it long term such as; "How long will i stay unhappy? When is enough is enough?" Because you do deserve to be treated with love, respect and kindness. You are settling for far less with a man like him, ask yourself "what does he has that makes him worthy to be with me?" And " does he deserve my devotion and time?". You have put up with his behavior for far too long, you got a choice to make...either stay or leave.)

@tessa81,

It really sounds an awful situation you are in,I am sorry you are stuck there,feeling miserable as days go.by!You deserve happiness,you have all the right to express an opinion in your marriage and be heard and taken seriously.You need to learn to assert yourself within the relationshior, start taking care of you,loving yourself more and don't allow other people to take advantage of you.Your husband seems to exhibit certain traits of narcissistic behaviour (you might as well want to read something on narcissism and co-dependency to see if you find helpful information there.)Love yourself ,respect yourself,take care of yourself,take some time to pamper yourself ,do the things you have always wanted to try like taking up a hobby,going swimming or to the gym,reading,listening to music etc whatever lifts you up!Take time for only you,it's not a selfish thing to do,in order to be able to take care of others,we need to be in a state where we have our needs and wants properly met!Not wanting to listen to you outside the intimacy moments is a huge red flag of a problematic relationship!You must know that people treat us the way we allow them to treat us!We can't control other people's thoughts and actions but we can certainly control our response to them!Only you can take responsibility for your own life,nobody else can do it for you!It's a horrible way of living which you describe,you shouldn't put up with it!Hope this helps and good luck!