discussions
my boyfriend has been through quite some stuff and we’ve been having quite a few discussions, but it often ends with him feeling like he’s having a deja vu from his toxic ex girlfriend which is painful for him. the thing is, i always get defensive when getting criticized. yesterday we were talking about this and i was wondering if there would maybe be a way for him to bring criticism differently so that i wouldn’t get defensive, but he claimed that he already did it the “gentle” way, while what he does seems to me like simply calling me out for what i do wrong. yesterday for example he said “you just didn’t talk.” later he said “i have some memes but i don’t feel like sending, and i feel clingy but yeah you kinda did your stuff” and then said he was trying to fix the mood, while writing another call out like that. at the end he mentioned deja vu and i know that at that point any argument i’ll give will hurt him, so i pretty much have to swallow, while actually i don’t consider this topic over yet. i just don’t really know how to deal with this, i do want to know how to improve but if calling me out is his way to criticize then i’ll keep getting defensive, and he says the only alternative is for him to just swallow.
@uwurai
It's hard to pay the price for the hurt that others caused, but that is the case so very often. Building trust takes time, and I agree that it is hard to not take it personally. Maybe you can talk to him during a time that's not stressful, and let him know you'd like to understand what exactly feels like deja vue and how the two of you can work to prevent that going forward. Even though you are not that other person, he's got to work through it and learn that you are going to be different. Knowing how to see that it's happening and agreeing to a way to work through it as a couple is a good start. Maybe you can come up with a safe word to use when he is reacting a certain way or you are causing him to feel a certain way, and that's the signal that you both need to switch gears. It works sometimes!
