a not fun last relationship- TW: SA.

ok warning this is long

im mostly just tired

ive never been going to school but back in august i switched to an alternative school specifically with mental health support

at the end of the first week i got asked out by a girl i had barely talked to

im not good at saying no to people and my romantic attraction has always been wonky so i went along with it

(let if be known that i am an asexual person, and she asked me out knowing this)

throughout the month-ish we dated it felt confusing and kind of overwhelming

i remember her asking me right after i said ok to dating her why i liked her and i didnt really know how to answer since i didnt even know her- and her even saying that she suspected i liked her which is odd

we would hang out on weekends but i feel like whenever we were alone all she would want to do was kiss and it just got progressively more borderline sexual which i wasnt comfortable with and didnt like

she would ask me to pin her to a wall or kiss her constantly or say weird things or anything she could think of and it never felt safe

one time she held me down to kiss me and i felt like i was trapped and i couldnt breathe

she would also make a lot of jokes about my asexuality- saying how “its such a shame” or things along those lines like i was a wasted opportunity

and when i would give in and let her kiss me she would always ask for more and i would always stall- since i didnt feel like i could say no but didnt want to do anything besides get to know her

at one point she told me that her ex had accused her of sexually assaulting him

and now, ages after she thankfully dumped me for being asexual- im wondering how much she was exaggerating and how many things she was lying about

being raised and perceived as a girl my whole life im well used to being sexualized. my friends’ younger brothers touching me at the pool and a kid i was in school band with making a creepy comment during a competition and every-so-often jokes in my first relationship and getting re-occurring dreams of me getting sexually assaulted like clockwork.

i guess now im wondering if its always going to be like this. i feel like im overreacting because “it wasnt as bad as it could have been” but i just feel gross all the time.

every time i see any of those people i feel like im just going to get harassed and touched and objectified and i cant breathe anymore

im a complex person. there are a lot of un-normalized things about me and ive had a long life. i like a lot of things and i really dont like even more. i know that dating me is probably hard but for only doing it twice- i think im a good girlfriend. im not looking for a relationship- i never am- and i dont know when i will even want one. but even if i stay away from relationships i feel like im always going to end up being treated the same.

hearing all the things happening in this world- happening to people like me- im terrified.

i dont want this to be all there is