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eridoreius
296 M Embraced 2
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts38 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes22 Current upvotes22 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceOctober 20, 2022
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pleaselive.org/hotlines

Recent forum posts
a not fun last relationship- TW: SA.
Relationship Stress / by eridoreius
Last post
 February 9th, 2023
...See more ok warning this is long im mostly just tired ive never been going to school but back in august i switched to an alternative school specifically with mental health support at the end of the first week i got asked out by a girl i had barely talked to im not good at saying no to people and my romantic attraction has always been wonky so i went along with it (let if be known that i am an asexual person, and she asked me out knowing this) throughout the month-ish we dated it felt confusing and kind of overwhelming i remember her asking me right after i said ok to dating her why i liked her and i didnt really know how to answer since i didnt even know her- and her even saying that she suspected i liked her which is odd we would hang out on weekends but i feel like whenever we were alone all she would want to do was kiss and it just got progressively more borderline sexual which i wasnt comfortable with and didnt like she would ask me to pin her to a wall or kiss her constantly or say weird things or anything she could think of and it never felt safe one time she held me down to kiss me and i felt like i was trapped and i couldnt breathe she would also make a lot of jokes about my asexuality- saying how “its such a shame” or things along those lines like i was a wasted opportunity and when i would give in and let her kiss me she would always ask for more and i would always stall- since i didnt feel like i could say no but didnt want to do anything besides get to know her at one point she told me that her ex had accused her of sexually assaulting him and now, ages after she thankfully dumped me for being asexual- im wondering how much she was exaggerating and how many things she was lying about being raised and perceived as a girl my whole life im well used to being sexualized. my friends’ younger brothers touching me at the pool and a kid i was in school band with making a creepy comment during a competition and every-so-often jokes in my first relationship and getting re-occurring dreams of me getting sexually assaulted like clockwork. i guess now im wondering if its always going to be like this. i feel like im overreacting because “it wasnt as bad as it could have been” but i just feel gross all the time. every time i see any of those people i feel like im just going to get harassed and touched and objectified and i cant breathe anymore im a complex person. there are a lot of un-normalized things about me and ive had a long life. i like a lot of things and i really dont like even more. i know that dating me is probably hard but for only doing it twice- i think im a good girlfriend. im not looking for a relationship- i never am- and i dont know when i will even want one. but even if i stay away from relationships i feel like im always going to end up being treated the same. hearing all the things happening in this world- happening to people like me- im terrified. i dont want this to be all there is
I don’t feel well anymore
Depression Support / by eridoreius
Last post
 November 8th, 2022
...See more Im tired lately living feels pretty endless and not in a good way im about to be 17 ive been depressed since i was like 4 i switched schools around 2 months ago- thats like the 5th time the school i switched to is one better for mental health- but legally im still enrolled at my old school— some people at this school do extracurricular stuff at their “home school” as they call it i used to do acting and band. i was thinking of going back. i miss acting and i miss band. i had a few friends- i guess they were friends. i never felt close to any of them, just people i talked to and apparently liked me ive never really felt close to anyone ive been in a few friendships but somethings always felt off i miss acting and i miss band but i think i just really miss the idea of having friends somewhere but i dont think i really did everything thrre is different anyways i dont have many friends at my new school- just people i talk to i was dating a girl for a month and a half- she broke up with me for being an asexual when she wasnt. she knew i was before she asked me out. i dont think i like her anymore- not “i dont think i like like her anymore” but “i dont think shes a good person” that was mean she was mean to me i miss feeling like someone loved me im trying to get a job at a bookstore- maybe i’ll meet people there theres people who like me but i dont really know any of them. i dont think they know me. i dont know if i know me. i have a few other friends- i can only talk to them online though they have other friends. i dont think ive ever been anyones best friend. ive *had* best friends. ive *had* a favorite person- someone who gets me excited to talk to and happy to see and looking forward to spend time with. i dont think ive been anyones favorite person. i dont like that feeling. the feeling of never falling out of love with anyone before they decide to. i fee like my whole life ive been waiting for things to get better- to belong somewhere to be wanted to fit in. i dont like it here. i dont like not knowing when it will get better. i guess im just sorry. sincerely, a friend- i hope
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