Why do I seem To Attract Insecure Men
A lot of people say you attract how you feel inside. I consider myself to be rather confident and self-aware. I know that I am a very unique and sometimes unusual person, but I would rather be on the fringes of society than trying to pretend to fit in. The last three men I've had relationships with over the past 7 years have all been men who feel the same way about their place in society for the most part. Yet, there insecurities always sabotage the relationship or prevent them from truly opening up and being vulnerable with me when it counts most. I've done a lot of internal work after my second so-called break-up and even after my last. Yet, I still seem to attract these men who aren't ready for a serious relationship. I've been told by male and female friends that I may intimidate some people for what seems like the very same reasons I attract those who are most hurt. I am a very caring and compassionate person and may that attracts those who need a little more tenderness. But the relationships never last and one guy decided he was tired of 'being on the fringes'. How can I change the way I present myself to the world so that I can stop attracting unavailable men? I want so badly to love and be loved unconditionally...I'm working on my forgivness skills and communication skills between the sexes, yet, I have no one to love...
@warmheartedHuman2014
Ohh dear. That does sound frustrating. To be able to be loved unconditionally means the other person should accept us for who we are. That's what I call unconditional love. The utmost form of love we could get. A love who accepts us but also will do everything to make us a better person. I hope you'll find or be found that love soon <3 all the best
@WMi Thank you. I hope so too. I always find that even friends aren't capable of honest, unconditional love. I am a very forgiving person and people accept that forgiveness willingly, but no one is willing to offer it even for small things.
@warmheartedHuman2014
In forgiveness it is more important you can forgive yourself for feeling like you're to blame for anyone not sticking around. This is more than likely not the case since you are trying to communicate as best you possibly can. We are not responsible for the reactions of others to our best efforts at the time. You can forgive yourself for thinking that you have control over their choices so you can focus on being whom you truely wish to be for yourself and only for yourself. Masculine brains tend to date with the mindset of not wanting to change anything about their partner so are more inclined to give up when they experience the first signs of anything differing from what they had in mind when you met...which should be considered a good thing, them making room for someone who IS aiming for someone like you. The other reason for being who you want to be is so that you are ready for the right person(s) when they arrive in your life, so if you are who you're happy being, don't change it other than to improve according to what you like.
@CoinFountain thank you for the advice. I guess, I'm more confused that someone can get angry over something they haven't even attempted to express properly. And then leave a relationship because of it.
I thought he was mature enough. But even then, where are all the mature single men? Why aren't they asking me out? I don't want to feel like everything is my fault, but if we mirror back to us how we feel, then why do I get these kind of men no matter where I meet them in the world. Guys who tell me they were attracted to me because of my confidence.
I just want to be done with the same type of men and hurt. I want what I deserve. What we all deserve. And what I want out of a relationship...
@warmheartedHuman2014
I can relate to your frustrations in a way. Sometimes it seems like a never ending chain or string of 'bad luck' when we find ourselves with another person that shares similar traits to those from the past. Especially when we put our time and energy into a relationship that we believe we found hope in, but it turns out just the same! That is annoying for sure! With some people from my past, I felt like they just didn't care to work on themselves and a lot of people tend to enter into a relationship thinking it is 50/50 when really it should be 100/100...meaning two people that worked out their own insecuries, coming together, not two halves... <3
@wonderousHeart14 Yes. You are true about people thinking relationships are 50/50. I feel my ex thinks this way and that is why he is so angry at me. Instead of working on his stuff and working on how to communicate properly and compassionately, he blames me for "not understanding him or most of what he said" even though the misunderstanding only ever happened over text message. It's like he blames me for the breakup. I can honestly say that this time I didn't fuck up. I didn't argue. I didn't blame or attack. Yet, he only seemed angrier that I wouldn't. Said I was being hypocritical, but then would even talk to me about why he felt that way. He is an anxious person in love and very much in need of constant praise and overly affectionate. It was fine when we were physically together because I love affection and cuddling too. And my kisses seemed to be praise enough for him. But it was like he fell apart when I left...but I was only gone for 6 weeks with two and a half left.
@warmheartedHuman2014
Ugh I'm sorry you had to deal with that crap..
Not fun. Love sucks sometimes. Especially when we love people that hurt us or don't put as much into the relationship. Having to carry the entire relationship on your shoulders is not easy and in the end never works right. My ex blamed me for not fixing him. Dude.. I'm MY responsibility. Carry your weight!! :)
@wonderousHeart14 The sad things is that I would have been willing to if he would have just let me in. I think he pushed me away because he didn't want to ask for help. Just kind of thought being with me would make the pain go away... I'm sorry you had to go through that with your ex. It's unfair of people to assume anyone can fix them without them putting in any effort themselves. Love can help heal you but people have to be honest with themselves and put in the work and be patient for love to do it's job with your help.
I'm sorry to sound so cynical but friends and bf/gf/ wives/ husband can't give unconditional love. It just doesn't work that way. They say that they do but the minute you fuck up they are out the door. Like god forbid you make a mistake.