Truly hurt vs. manipulative

Something I have been wrestling with for awhile is whether my ex is manipulative. He has a habit (not just with me) of internalizing his own version of what someone says, brooding over it, and then lashing out with accusations based on his assumptions of what was intended. Frankly, it drove me a bit crazy. I became depressed and even had thoughts of suicide based on his versions of things I said and intended. I became overemotional from his accusations, so he pulled away and ghosted me. I then became clingy and even more emotional. I had never been this way before.

I finally got the courage to leave him, and I'm mostly healed now. Hearing these things (in co-parenting counseling sessions) doesn't rip my heart open anymore. The problem is, I'm not sure how to deal with them. It's sort of a variation on gaslighting, but the problem is that treating it like gaslighting "that is not my recollection" and not engaging seems pretty cold and heartless, especially if he really believes his version. I'm honestly not sure what he believes. On the other hand, if I engage and (yet again) try to correct what I actually said and intended, it becomes a debate of he-said, she-said. Simply having the debate feels wrong, because it shouldn't be debatable what I said and intended. The counselor has agreed with this, and has suggested alternate ways for him to express how he feels, but he won't do this.

I'm thinking that maybe I can simply express empathy for his view "I'm sorry that you feel that way" and then add the disengagement part "That is not my recollection of what I said, and I do not wish to discuss it." Because we have a kid, we're going to have to communicate to some degree for awhile. I'm also a bit worried about what this might do to my son, but he seems to be developing a good sense of empathy, self-awareness, and honest reflection so far (he's 11).

I see my counselor in a couple weeks and she always has some good insights, but simply typing this out clarifies a lot for me...and maybe helps someone else in a similar situation.