To be friends or not to be friends? (Easily attached)
Hi All,
I am new to the site here, but I feel like I've annoyed my friends with my consistent anxiety over this and I am looking for some further support in this situation. There are a lot of factors playing into this so I struggled to pick where to post this and how much to say, but I will do my best to be concise yet thorough!
Last summer I met a guy through a mutual friend and we didn't really hit it off, poor first impressions were made, but I was a bit interested in him. My friend had cautioned me to give him space as he was apparently coming out of a break up earlier in the spring. I didn't talk much to him until we met again at a party in early October. We exchanged snapchats and started talking. I worked really hard to keep a distance from him because I knew his interest wouldn't last long. But this guy! He would respond to my snaps almost immediately and would often send videos of himself talking instead of just pictures with text. About a week later, he very obviously ghosts me one day. I backed off but was a bit disappionted because, surprise, I had become attached at this point. A few days go by and I send a casual mass text that I include him in. We hit it off again and continue to talk. Over the next several months we talk almost daily, and I am constantly reminding myself we are just friends, but I am enjoying the attention and would consider the possibility of going out with this guy if it came up. Jump to last week: Surprise, his ex-girlfriend has moved back to town and they are going to try dating again. Now I am a bit disappionted, but I respect that. We had never talked about being more than friends in any way and I know from mutual friends that this guy is just deeply connected to and offers concern and support to all of his friends. Here is the hard part for me: I am really sensitive to perceived rejection by others. I have become quite attached to this guy, but I know the dynamic of our relationship is going to change. I know I am not as important to him anymore and it is hitting me a lot harder than I expected. I feel betrayed when I haven't heard from him for extended periods of time and I know I am overthinking our every interaction now. Many of my friends have suggested discontinuing our friendship completely or at the very least putting a cap on it. I know this would probably be the best for me, but 1) I don't want to damage our friendship because I really do enjoy this guy even though I feel I have tried to self sabotage it many times already. 2) I have become accustomed to these daily interactions and I get really lonely when I try to limit them. I don't feel I have the strength to follow through with it.
I know that I need to do something because I don't want to carry any false illusions that this guy might be interested in me in some way. He's been clear he's excited to get back with his girlfriend and I do not want to get involved in that situation or be a rebound to him in some way at any time in the future. I have not been in a relationship for almost three years since my previous 3 year relationship fell apart. I know that I am feeling extra disappionted because I was excited for the prospect of dating again. Trying not to perceive this as a rejection of myself because obviously there was unfinished business with his ex-girlfriend. I had just gotten the feeling that I was very important to him and now that I don't feel the same interest from him in his messages as the excitement I feel when recieving a message from him, I am feeling a bit rejected. I can rationalize the whole thing and talk about it rationally, but emotionally I have been feeling very different and insignificant.
@AureliaTanzanite715
Hey there! Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you had all of these hopes for your friend that didn't materialize but you were playing it safe to try and protect yourself from disappointment. His unresolved feelings for his ex girlfriend don't necessarily take away from feelings he might have had for you. You're afraid of losing him or things between the two of you changing. But you're not really asking if you should stay friends with him because you hoped you would be more than just friends.
And what have you got to lose now? Would you really be ok just being his friend while he loved someone who wasn't you? If friendship is all you wanted, you would be happy that he's reconnecting with his ex. I would a hypocrite saying this but this attachment you have to him means something to you and what you really want to know is if it means anything to him, right? Playing it safe got you to where you are now. But maybe you have to take that risk and open yourself up to rejection for the chance to know if he feels something for you.
And maybe if the worst thing happens and he rejects you and you lose him as a friend, you'll see that you deserve better than what if's and maybes. You deserve someone who will fight for you and hold on to his connection with you. Be brave. Or you'll be stuck wondering.