The future

This is just for me. No comments please. Thank you!

—

I have this question in my mind. Will I ever get over you? Do I even want to? It hurts either way. It hurts to love you without you here, and it hurts to not love you and remember what we had. All the tarot readings and my intuition tells me you’re going to reach out again, like over the holidays. But you’re indecisive to the point where you’ve already lost so much, not making decisions. You’ve lost more than you realize-or maybe you do. But you can’t help but just keep all of your options open because you can’t decide.

I had to do it for you. It hurts so much. I’m always the one making hard decisions. You just get to live. But then, you’re not really living freely because of those cages in your mind. You torture yourself every day. Your self-esteem is shot.

I wrote a fake letter to you the other night. You were on my mind for a while, and I wondered what I really wanted to say to you. Turns out, I still don’t know. I restarted that letter 3 times. And what I ended up saying in them…I’ve already said. Except that now we aren’t speaking and it’s my choice. I don’t know if you’ll ever be on the same level as me again. It hurts to think about.

There’s this small chance that I could find happiness elsewhere. I’m terrified. I keep thinking, what if you come back and tell me you want me again, after I’ve given my heart to someone else? Because life does those things to me. Life will pretend like there’s no other choice and something else comes up, and there’s an impossible decision to make.

I am fine being alone. But there’s this chance that I could be happier. I’ve basically decided I’m taking it. You’ve disappointed me beyond what I ever could have imagined. You admitted to me that you failed me and you failed yourself. And yet you won’t undo that. It’s all so mediocre.

What really gets me is that you still want to string me along. You can’t stay away from me but you can’t be with me. You tried to be friends and you flirted and made passes. When you finally respected my boundaries, you were never there for me as a friend and treated me like crap. You were surprised when I had to take a break, or so I called it.

I know that you thought I would have texted you by now. That’s what really gets you. That I’m actually not there this time.

It’s not a goodbye. It’s worse. It’s an echo chamber, and all you hear are your thoughts. I only hear some of them, because we had a psychic connection.

I did this for me. And you can’t stand that I’m not there for you. I don’t get any satisfaction out of this. None of it. It all hurts. You got your karma. I didn’t wish it on you and it didn’t help to know you got it. All that’s left is a choice that only you can make. And you’ll take the chance, is what my intuition tells me. My mind and heart say yeah, right. All I know is that I can’t wait anymore.

Even if I never get over you, I can sleep well knowing I did everything I could with the best intentions.

—

This is just for me. No comments please. Thank you!

—