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TheJenInBlack
2 85,449 M Marching Ahead 3
PathStep 332 Compassion hearts11,209 Forum posts400 Forum upvotes579 Current upvotes579 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceAugust 16, 2014
Bio

Just a millennial trying to do good in the world. Put away your cellphone for a while. Be kind to others.

Recent forum posts
Evolving Emotions
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 October 7th, 2023
...See more PLEASE READ! Disclaimer: This post is just for me. NO comments please! Thank you. — I got my hopes up again. I know better than to do that, but so much time has passed, and I truly thought it would be a fresh start. I suppose it still can be. However, the little trust I had built up again is gone. That didn’t take long at all. He didn’t mean to do it, I realize this. But the fact that he did speaks volumes. I wanted to talk with him before what he’s doing next weekend so that I don’t feel disgusting. He doesn’t understand at all. I wanted our connection to be pure. I don’t know if it can be anymore. I wanted it to be special. I gave my all. He’s really messed up. I just wanted one good recent memory with him. Just one. His words have also proven that he hasn’t learned the big lessons yet. Sadly…it might take his whole lifetime. He’s so blind. I don’t want to admit this to myself, but maybe I wanted to forget everything tonight, maybe I just wanted a good memory for myself…maybe it wouldn’t have benefited him at all. I know we both want this. But now it’s not going to be as special. I just wish he’d called. Told me…rescheduled. Something. Instead of wasting my time. Honestly, I should know better. He did this when we were together too. He’s absolutely terrible at timing things, and under pressure, he takes even longer. It’s extremely frustrating in every way. Not to mention, he picked a dumb argument with me earlier. It was disappointing. I chose to not let it ruin our time we both were looking forward to. But it didn’t matter because he wasn’t there. Again. Sometimes life doesn’t make sense. I keep asking why I want this. And I know I love him, I could just reasons. But there are not nearly as many as there used to be. I really wanted tonight because it was supposed to help me sort out my feelings. Since it didn’t happen, I’m left alone again. And it’s just repeated behavior. I need to sleep on this. I don’t know how else to get through to him. He dislikes himself. He’s always sorry. He never has time. He hates his life. He loves me. He’s indecisive to the point where he ruins every huge life decision he’s ever made. I don’t want to waste my time but I also just want one night. To figure it out. That’s all. Why is it so hard? — PLEASE READ! Disclaimer: This post is just for me. NO comments please! Thank you.
Just in case
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 May 16th, 2023
...See more DISCLAIMER: this post is just for me. No comments please! I just want to use this space to vent and I don’t wish for feedback of any kind, positive or negative. Thank you! — I haven’t written on here for a very long time. I’ve successfully distanced myself from my ex, and it was actually my choice, because there was no other choice for me. I picked up the pieces of myself and let him know that this was too difficult. He became uncaring toward my emotions. He started caring only after I had a crying spell and he saw what his words were doing. Since then, he’s texted me to say merry Christmas. We had a tiny conversation. Then there was one more very small one in January. But they ended quickly because he knew that I needed more time. Now as June is approaching I keep wondering what I’d even say if he contacted me. If he said that he wants me back. What would I say? I keep doing these tarot readings and they say he’s going to reach out, apologize and offer something like a relationship. I’m not expecting that though. I do plan to text him to say happy birthday later next month. I guess…it’s probably silly to imagine him coming back. Maybe it’s weird that I’m thinking of how I’d respond. But as I try to keep myself protected, I have to think about it. I don’t expect anyone to ever understand this, especially after what he’s done, but he is my soulmate. I’ve always known. Ever since we became close. The thing is, he needs to become trustworthy again somehow, and I don’t know how. I don’t trust him. But I love him anyway. - tbc probably. I’m super tired so I have to go sleep. — DISCLAIMER: this post is just for me. No comments please! I just want to use this space to vent and I don’t wish for feedback of any kind, positive or negative. Thank you!
Cheated on twice in a row by 2 dif men
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 January 25th, 2023
...See more This is just for me. No comments please!! — i don’t have much energy to write this…but the title says it all. It took me so long to let someone new into my heart. He knew what I’d been through and how I was healing. He just didn’t want to wait another couple of weeks to have s*x. We had plans but he found someone else. He apologized over text but basically acted like he didn’t care. Part of me thinks he just felt so guilty that he doesn’t want to think about it. He blocked me on all accounts. I am fighting my negative thoughts with all my might. But I have that question in my mind. What is wrong with me? Even though I know I’m an amazing catch. I’m everything someone would want in a relationship except I get bad anxiety and I overthink at times. I know it’s not my fault. But still. Twice is a pattern. I just feel defeated. It took so so long for me to get to a comfortable place. He was on and off with me for other reasons (grief). But we were finally getting somewhere. We were so close but now… Now I just feel so…used. Tossed aside like a rag. Because who even knows why. I’m beyond disappointed. I was so excited to finally take a leap of faith toward something NEW. And now that’s been taken away from me. It’s very difficult for me to romantically connect with anyone. I had taken the time to heal. I manifested this, or so I thought. I do believe everything happens for a reason. To be honest, I didn’t love him. I just wanted a new start. Maybe that was wrong of me but we weren’t at that level. I could have loved him probably. I was so brave and he lied…and he took no responsibility. I can’t properly express how upset I am. This happened two days ago. I cried myself into a migraine that lasted the entire day yesterday, and I couldn’t get it to go away no matter what I did. I couldn’t even sleep. All I could do was lie there in agony, all because I was upset over a guy who is a narcissist and thought of me basically as an object (I guess). Just wanted me for s*x? I don’t know. He didn’t tell me…he didn’t say what he really wanted. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being a woman. I’m tired of caring about other people. — This is just for me. No comments please!! —
The future
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 January 22nd, 2023
...See more This is just for me. No comments please. Thank you! — I have this question in my mind. Will I ever get over you? Do I even want to? It hurts either way. It hurts to love you without you here, and it hurts to not love you and remember what we had. All the tarot readings and my intuition tells me you’re going to reach out again, like over the holidays. But you’re indecisive to the point where you’ve already lost so much, not making decisions. You’ve lost more than you realize-or maybe you do. But you can’t help but just keep all of your options open because you can’t decide. I had to do it for you. It hurts so much. I’m always the one making hard decisions. You just get to live. But then, you’re not really living freely because of those cages in your mind. You torture yourself every day. Your self-esteem is shot. I wrote a fake letter to you the other night. You were on my mind for a while, and I wondered what I really wanted to say to you. Turns out, I still don’t know. I restarted that letter 3 times. And what I ended up saying in them…I’ve already said. Except that now we aren’t speaking and it’s my choice. I don’t know if you’ll ever be on the same level as me again. It hurts to think about. There’s this small chance that I could find happiness elsewhere. I’m terrified. I keep thinking, what if you come back and tell me you want me again, after I’ve given my heart to someone else? Because life does those things to me. Life will pretend like there’s no other choice and something else comes up, and there’s an impossible decision to make. I am fine being alone. But there’s this chance that I could be happier. I’ve basically decided I’m taking it. You’ve disappointed me beyond what I ever could have imagined. You admitted to me that you failed me and you failed yourself. And yet you won’t undo that. It’s all so mediocre. What really gets me is that you still want to string me along. You can’t stay away from me but you can’t be with me. You tried to be friends and you flirted and made passes. When you finally respected my boundaries, you were never there for me as a friend and treated me like crap. You were surprised when I had to take a break, or so I called it. I know that you thought I would have texted you by now. That’s what really gets you. That I’m actually not there this time. It’s not a goodbye. It’s worse. It’s an echo chamber, and all you hear are your thoughts. I only hear some of them, because we had a psychic connection. I did this for me. And you can’t stand that I’m not there for you. I don’t get any satisfaction out of this. None of it. It all hurts. You got your karma. I didn’t wish it on you and it didn’t help to know you got it. All that’s left is a choice that only you can make. And you’ll take the chance, is what my intuition tells me. My mind and heart say yeah, right. All I know is that I can’t wait anymore. Even if I never get over you, I can sleep well knowing I did everything I could with the best intentions. — This is just for me. No comments please. Thank you! —
Sickness
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 November 19th, 2022
...See more This is just for me, no comments please! — I honestly feel sick from this whole experience. He loves me and the reason he doesn’t want to be with me is to avoid hurting me. How ironic is that? He’s turned into a worse version of himself, and it’s really sad to see. I’m upset because he won’t get help. I’m upset for a lot of reasons. I’m trying to heal. Maybe I’ll be able to now, idk. I just need to decide whether I want him in my life as a friend. Or if that’s just too much. I wish that it could be romantic again. But no…he’s become self centered and egotistical with very low self esteem. He’s…well, he’s like an evil version of his old self, actually. Why do I want that? I don’t know if I do. The only reason i would want to keep him as a friend is because I still think we might get together in the future. Maybe for now we’ll take a break and we can be friends after that. I hate to give myself false hope. But I have to trust my instincts. Maybe if I take myself away he’ll realize what he’s missing. That’s a huge risk. But I’m out of cards. Both options suck. — This is just for me, no comments please!
I told him
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 November 23rd, 2022
...See more Read! This is just for me: no comments please! — I told him. He kept putting off a conversation so I just sent him a voice message. I told him how I feel and how I can’t be part of this anymore. I told him that I wish he’d get help and I still love him. But that it’s up to him whether I’m worth another conversation or not. I have no time left to worry about this. I’ll always love him and miss him. But he’s not going to change unless he gets help. Part of me is very relieved I could say what I wanted. Another part is so sad because it could be a goodbye. It’s up to him. — Read! This is just for me: no comments please!
The value of myself
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 November 19th, 2022
...See more Please-do not comment. This is for me only. I post here to share but not to get feedback. It’s just for me. Thank you. — I haven’t posted on here in so long. I don’t know why, I guess maybe because I’ve been thinking hard about everything. I’ve explored my feelings, I’ve looked at things from all angles. I haven’t been happy. Communication with my soulmate has been the most irritating thing ever. I’m trying to have a conversation with him, I want to tell him over the phone and not on a text, what my plans are. His life is a mess. I am at the point where I almost don’t care, or that I care so much that I have to leave. It’s very difficult for me to even write this. He has put this off for so long. He says he’s busy dealing with a lot. But I believe you make time for the things that matter. And even though he loves me deeply and he is my soulmate, he’s messed up. He needs professional help for his addictions. His actions are stupid. He doesn’t follow his intuition and chooses to live a life he hates. I am done. I know I’ll never be over him. I know he’s my one. But I also need to be valued. His self esteem is so low. It’s ridiculous and I can’t do anything more to help. He has to want to change and not treat me like my time isn’t valuable. I can see through his actions that I’m not a priority which would be fine if he was actually getting help. He’s not. I am deeply hurt, upset, frustrated and yes, lonely. But there are no more options. It isn’t fair. I need to have someone who can be there for me. I might be waiting for him forever. That thought makes me so sad. I don’t deserve this. I have to leave. —- Please-do not comment. This is for me only. I post here to share but not to get feedback. It’s just for me. Thank you.
He actually responded
Relationship Stress / by TheJenInBlack
Last post
 September 21st, 2022
...See more this is just for me, no comments please. — he responded to me. I sent what I truly thought was a goodbye message. But he responded back and explained …altho passive aggressively. But still. I wasn’t expecting that and I’m not even sure what to do now. I told him the only way we can continue to be friends is to have a clean slate. Bc this weirdness is too much. I’m hoping he won’t just go off the radar again. But whatever. If he cares then he’ll respond. That’s all I tell myself. — this is just for me, no comments please. —
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