My wife and I made good progress over the weekend; I just wish it hadn't almost cost us everything.

@hrichardson8

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

M and I have had more than our share of conflict, due mainly to my pornography addiction. (Every partner is different, but a lot of them might feel disconnected when their partner often do this. Do you often do this to cope with things?) Her willingness to trust me has taken a nose-dive. She has learned to be very observant of my actions, and hypercritical of those she considers offensive or suspicious. (This is an indication she has tons of anxiety, and constantly looking for every signs that she could be abandoned. She fears being abandoned and alone, so you will see how she often loses emotional self control when she perceives a threat)

M is quick to jump to conclusions, (This can be part of anxiety, where she will become heavily focus on something) especially those she doesn't like. Often she will interrupt someone while they are talking because she thinks she can predict what they are going to say, and she deemed it not worth hearing. (She is definetly coming across as not considerate when it comes to hearing other people. This also her anxiety playing a role, its as if she feels good about herself when she predicts things) This happens quite often with those, like me, she doesn't trust.

Around noon on Saturday, the three of us decided to go thrift shopping. I drove my car, with M in the passenger seat next to me and J in the backseat behind me. The backseat of my car is somewhat short, so when I have the rear-view mirror oriented so that I can see the back windshield, I can also see the faces of most any adult sitting in the backseat.

Several times I looked at the traffic behind us, but M thought I was looking at J. (This is a sign she has a lot of insecurities within herself. She doesn't feel good enough about herself and incapable of soothing her anxiety, so she begins to throw accusations because of her fear of losing you and being abandoned. The threat here was perceiced by her because of how things went during her childhood) When they talked later about it, J expressed that she had thought the same thing. (J is coming across as inconsiderate as well, its like one of those people that thinks the world revolve around her?) So M confronted me about it, and refused to let me explain the misunderstanding. (She was already feeling anxious, so what J said made it worst. I think that in these moments she is becoming triggered by her past, but at the same time its hard to do something about it because of the way she doesn't let you talk)

I consciously avoided the risk of even halfway-looking at J for the rest of the day. I sat on a recliner by myself with my eyes closed at the thrift store, (I understand why you would do this because you fear how she would behave, but this is not a good situation. This relationship is really affecting you a lot, and her behavior is going out of control) except once to find the bathroom, but I took the long way through the store so to dodge everyone else. Once in the car, I pointed the rear-view mirror towards the ceiling. When M asked what that was for, I was finally able to explain why it may have seemed earlier that I was looking at J. (You did the right thing here, you showed empathy and understanding for how she felt) She was skeptical, as I had failed to mention this before. (This means you were attuned to how she felt, which shows you care about how she feels)

We went to a Chinese buffet for dinner. J went ahead to get a table; while standing in the parking lot, I tried to explain to M why I couldn't say what needed to be said (that she had interrupted me), (I can tell you were waiting for you two to be alone on order to discuss how you both felt, and to look for a resolution) but then she interrupted me again. (I honestly feel her anxiety and defensivess are the real reason she interrupts you like this, its like she needs to have this control of the conversation when she can't soothe herself) I had had enough, so I walked away from the conversation. (I can see why you had enough, you tried expressing yourself and she interrupted. You must had felt angry and disconnected from her. This will often cause your anxiety to go up because you are not feeling like she is taking the time to understand how you feel) I could hear her saying "Excuse me?" as I opened the door. She approached me in the restaurant, saying that if I ever left her standing alone in a parking lot again, I would be living alone the next day. (I think you did the right thing by walking away, but it would have been better to say "I need some time alone to calm myself down". She felt like she was abandoned and neglected (due to her childhood), so now she is making threats and trying to manipulate you on order to not "feel" abandoned. This behavior of her will cause you to feel angry, even more disconnected and unsafe)

During dinner I said nothing to anyone and looked at nothing except my food. (I understand why you would do this since at this moment perhaps you didn't know what to do or say, but i want you to ask this to questions to yourself; Does she care about my feelings? Is this a relationship that makes me feel safe?, Is this relationship good for me?, Should i really keep putting up with her anger and issues?, Do i deserve her treatment?)

When we got home, I found a notebook, because I intended to write M a letter (apparently voicing my words wasn't going to work), but I could not find a pen. (I think this shows you are trying every way to solve this situation by using communication, but the reality is she can't do adult communication. I can tell she wants to be in control of everything and doesn't understand the concept of mutuality in relationships) I asked her if she knew where a pen might be, explaining that I wanted to write her a letter and I have a lot to say. Again she interrupted me, saying that she also had a lot to say, (She is making it all about herself. She is the kind of woman with whom you will never feel heard, understood, loved, comfortable and listened to because all she thinks is about herself in the relationship. This is not the kind of woman who will appreciate your efforts and as a person) but I left her "standing alone in a parking lot, so..."

"I'd like to finish a goddamn sentence every once in a while," I yelled at the closed door. "That's why I need a fucking PEN!"(A this point you feel very disconnected, so it raises your anxiety and anger because you are not feeling heard. I would like to say that you have every reason to feel the way you do, but yelling is not a good idea to do)

I sat alone on the front porch steps for a long time. Out of boredom, I fetched mail from our mailbox and kicked some gravel around the driveway. As I realized it was too cold to be there much longer, I noticed J driving away (I would later learn that she was visiting another friend and would be coming back). I came back inside and laid down on the bed, facing the wall with my eyes closed. (This is not a good situation to be putting yourself in. The two women at your house can be quite insecure, it will trigger you everyday)Were anyone able to see my face, they would have seen a permanent "fuck the world" scowl.

"Why are you mad at me?" M finally asked. (This tells me she is heavily focused on her inner world that she didn't listen to what you said earlier)
"You interrupted every single thing I said today," I said quietly without moving. "You clearly have no interest in hearing... me."(You did good in expressing how you felt here)

During this conversation, both of us said things that I think both of us regret.

Coming to a head, she said "well you can have your life back, then." Taking off her engagement ring: "go sell that." (She is behaving like the victim, being manipulate, and again making it all about her. She perceived a threat in what you said (she will always get like this because she is emotionall immature) and it is where she is willing to giving up on the marriage because of the way she feels everything is at risk. She can't do these things, you can't keep tolerting this)

By this point I was leaning against the wall, facing her. "I don't want my life back," I whispered shakily. "I want this to work." (It takes two people to work this out, all im seeing is you doing the work. She is not investing in this relationship and also mistreating you)

Finally she seemed willing to listen to me, and I managed to explain everything that had happened without interruptions.

"Okay, I will try to trust you again," (The moment she said "i will try" its a sign she won't do it. She will keep treating you like this because of how anxious and selfish she is) she caved. "But you have to give me reasons to." (This is like a passive agressive statement...She seemed to go "along" with it, but then next tells you the real meaning. She is basically blaming you for how she feels, when in reality is her anxiety and her past issues the reason she doesn't trust you)