My ex of 3 years just came out
I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. It was really tough, especially towards the end - it felt like a constant battle. He was always too busy for me, doubting the relationship, and making me feel unwanted and worthless.
It's been about 4 years since our breakup and I'm in a new, healthy relationship - even so, I'm still getting over some of the hurt from that previous relationship.
He recently came out as trans. Why is this so disturbing to me? I'm a fairly open-minded person, and an LGBTQ+ ally.
But I find it hard to trust my current partner now, I have an irrational fear that he might be hiding something from me. I'm having so much trouble coming to terms with my ex's transition.
Is this a normal feeling to have? Why do I feel like this is a reflection of myself? I don't know if I can trust my own judgement anymore.
Please, I don't mean any offense to LGBTQ+ folks, and I'm sorry if this is offensive - I'm just looking for some advice.
Hi, LGBTQ+ girl here (bi to be precise), and don't worry, it's not offensive at all! It's understandable that this is unsettling for you, not because you believe it's something wrong, but because you realized that you didn't understand something so big and important about your partner, and that's why you're having trust issues now. It's not only the fear that they're hiding something, it's also the fear of not being able to fully understand the person you love. The fear, perhaps, that they don't trust you enough to tell you?
If it's about this last case, just think that it wasn't because your partner didn't trust you specifically. Trans people go through something so troublesome that we can only imagine it. Some of them live in constant fear, no matter how much they love the people around them, and it takes an incredible amount of strength to finally come out. Probably at that time your partner trusted no one enough, probably not even herself (I hope it doesn't bother you that I use feminine pronouns talking about your ex, respecting trans people's pronouns is something I take very seriously). If you're upset because you weren't able to understand that something was different than it seemed, let me reassure you again: very often, even the closest people take with surpirise the revelation of transgenders, and that's because the fear of being discovered makes them hide it incredibly well sometimes.
As for now, the only way you have to deal with trust issues and the fear of your bf hiding something is an extensive work on dialogue and open-hearted communication. If you do your best to base your relationship on open-hearted and honest expression of feelings, thoughts, dreams, worries, fears, then the risk of secrets between the two of you will be reduced to the minimum, since you'll gradually build an environment where you both trust the other as much as you trust yourself. Of course it's impossible to make it a 0% risk, because we're human, after all, and anything is possible! However, there are many risks in a relationships, but if what you get in return is worth it, you deserve to give yourself the chance to love and be loved. I'm confident you'll be able to overcome these fears, one day!
