Is this worth the effort?
Hi friends, I need honest advice. One of the things that really made me realize I had to address my depression was the state of my marriage. We’ve been married 27 years, maybe the first 10 were truly happy. We had my first daughter 20 years ago. When we met, and for those first 7 years, we were basically atheists. When my daughter was born, my wife wanted her baptized as a Catholic. While I was resistant, I relented. That started her faith renewal.
Over the years, her faith grew in leaps and bounds. My beliefs didn’t change. She started going to Mass each week, volunteering, and devoting more time to the church. Additionally, she volunteered for anything and everything my kids had going on. From sports team manager to Home & School President, to everything in between. Unfortunately, the more she did to fulfill herself, the less time we had together and the more I withdrew into my depression.
Eventually, she got to the point where she attends Mass daily, and she openly acknowledges her faith is her number 1 priority. Events are planned around church services or church events, then events with the kids, and by then there is no time left. One morning, while we were being intimate, she just stopped and said, sorry, it’s time to go to church, we can finish when I get back. I was devastated. That event had a significant impact on me.
Even before that day, I would try to start conversations to tell her I wasn’t being fulfilled. I wanted to be a priority in her life and spend time together. We would talk through it but a week or two later, things went back to where they were for another 4-6 months until I spoke up again. A year ago, after the intimacy issue, I started getting more direct. I was open that I couldn’t continue our relationship if things didn’t significantly change. I realize during this time I was getting progressively worse. Not only was I dealing with this, but I was dealing with a significant back injury that eventually required surgery. The surgery helped but I have been dealing with some level of chronic pain for the last 16 years. I was not a good partner, and I wasn’t making reconciliation any easier.
Two months ago, I started to consider divorce after she told me one day that if she believed in divorce, she would have left already. Ater that, I was open that I didn’t know if our marriage could continue. The next month was ***. Two weeks ago, during an argument I told her I wanted a divorce as I could not take it anymore.
This is where I changed. After I said it, I realized I wasn’t ready to go there, and I was willing to work on resolving my issues and to try and get healthy with myself. That’s when I joined 7cups. I’m really taking the time to try and get better. I’m re-integrating into her life, and I am putting in the effort.
I started to go to daily Mass with her, not as a participant, but to just spend time with her. I’m trying to be more attentive to her and help with household things I normally let her handle. I’m making an effort, and she has acknowledged that. Along the way, I started to develop more feelings for her and realized I do still love her deeply. I’ve shared that with her numerous times, and I was starting to feel better about the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. I am also being careful not to mistake any sense of my own happiness that I am starting to find with this possibility. It’s hard, but so far I am keeping them separate.
Well, the bottom dropped out. I told her how even with how difficult things are, I was enjoying the opportunity to share some level of affection with her and I felt like I was wooing her all over again. I expressed I was looking forward to rekindling our relationship when we were ready, whether that was weeks or months from now. That’s when she said she doesn’t think she wants, or needs that type of relationship and said, “that ship has sailed.” As we further discussed it, she explained she was fulfilled with her religion and while she realizes I may be looking for more than that, she’s not sure if she can, or is willing to get there. She was clear she does not want any intimacy and would like me to be as fulfilled as she is without it.
My head is spinning, and I really don’t know where to turn. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I can continue to work on myself and maybe she would see the continuing changes and her feelings would change. There is nothing I can do to make my wife feel differently, she would have to make a conscious decision to do that on her own. I just don’t see it. With what she has said, I don’t think she has any desire to do so. My instincts are telling me to detach, accept the loss, and continue to work on myself. I really wasn’t ready to be dealing with both my depression and my marriage together but here I am.
I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what to do. I’m looking for opinions based on what I’ve shared. I’m open to hearing perspectives I can’t see or think of.
@MindfulQuest
So she became super involved in her faith / church and volunteerism it makes her fulfilled. You seem to put up with it but as you had no interest did not engage in what she was doing until it fell apart.
when a person finds something they want to do enjoy etc they grow they change.... the part about intimacy may be she does not feel that way about you anymore... lost attraction perhaps emotional connection.
This is not your fault just your depression and her finding more interest in outside things. To be honest I am not sure the lost emotional connection / desire for intimacy comes back. IT did not in my case.
It is not about what my spouse does NOW as there were strides made to be better then it was.... it is not the effort they have put in to woo me back.... i am not playing hard to get i simply have no interest or feelings that way. The time waiting and waiting for them to help out or showing an interest in what I want ...... resentment just pops up each time they try to touch me and i want nothing to do with it. i no longer feel that organic connection/ attraction to them.
I still have feelings and want intimacy........ just NOT with a person who could not even fake an interest in my life and things i found interesting UNTIL they did not get what they wanted.
I think it goes much deeper then attending church that you have no interest in ... and doing more things around the house...
BOTH of you would need to acknowledge where the marriage went bad and see things about yourselves that may not be things you want to.
You make valid points, thank you. A few thing's to add. Her faith renewal started when things were good and before my depression. while I didn’t want the same thing, I was supportive of her and tried to find ways to engage. I volunteered for many of the same things trying to stay connected. While this was happening, she stopped showing interest in anything that I had interest in. There was no try, the interest just stopped. Conversations about things she didn’t want literally were shutdown by saying I’m not talking about this. I’m a long time football season ticket holder. We used to go to every game. One day she said she had no interest and hasn’t been to a game since. I now sell almost every game.
Going to church now and helping more at home are things she asked for. We both have careers and have always split home/child care so one parent was never overburdened. I’m now helping her with things she would normally do.
I know there are plenty of things I didn’t do or should have done, or done sooner. It goes both ways though.
I appreciate you sharing your experience and that may be where she is, and if so, I can acknowledge that, accept it, and move on. I also agree we both need to acknowledge where things went wrong. I am ready to but we both need to want that.
@MindfulQuest
It sounds like you have not considered she went to football games perhaps enjoyed parts of it but was for YOU not her first choice? When we start to lose connection with someone the give a s^it to do things you only half enjoyed and was an act of love seem worthless.
So many people seem perplexed that their spouse faked or exaggerated an interest or played along for their spouse and when they reach a point they simply NO longer want to do it. This has happened in almost every couple i Know. when a person develops a hobby/ interest their spouse does not share it is hard to balance that. You are correct BOTH of you need to want to fix things and that takes a diagnosis of the origin not just treating symptoms of that disconnect.
Sometimes like in my case i act "ok" in the roommate situation because getting to the root i would need to take more responsibility of how things went bad ... Staying as we are, i can keep my belief it is most all my partners fault.
Again, thank you for your perspective. It helps. And yes, I did consider that she didn’t like the football games but the season seats came from her father. She used to go well before we met. I was a transplant from out of state where football barely existed. She was the die hard fan that got me into football.
As I told my listener in one of our chats, my wife does not acknowledge when she is wrong, ever. Never has, even when we were first dating and she was unfaithful one night. She claimed date rape to explain. To this day she sticks to that story even when the truth came out in a way she couldn’t deny. Otherwise she deflects issues back to me as the cause each and every time. I’ve just accepted her in that way as just that’s who she was and have always been the one to apologize in one way or another.
Ithink she would be happy as roommates but that’s not the path for me. She was open that if we separated it would have a large impact on her lifestyle and our family (her parents moved in 10 years ago). While we both have careers, my compensation is considerably more and I wonder if she’s kept me around just to avoid the disruption. If we split, she couldn’t afford the house and I wouldn’t want it.
It’s hard to dissect a relationship in a few paragraphs and I am grateful for your responses. You are helping me think about things differently. Thank you.
@MindfulQuest,
you said her faith renewal started when things were still good. Apparently things were not quite good as she apparently needed some sort of support, maybe a feeling of "belonging", maybe "soul searching", or maybe she was looking for redemption, for things she did wrong in her life and looking for a way to not have to confront herself.
I wonder whether she's ever been happy in life. Maybe you guys grew apart, unfortunately that happens too often as people often tend to take a relationship for granted. Or people have needs and expectations and get in a relationship to have those fulfilled.
That's not how it works. Love is a work, relationships require work, every single day.
Bottom line is, I get the feeling that whatever you'd done or not done, it would not have made a difference. It takes two to tango and it feels like she finds it hard, or doesn't even know, how to dance with herself.
Thank you. I’ve begun to think similarly. We’re still talking at least and I think we are in agreement that as her faith grew she started down a different path that I could not follow. The further she went, the further apart we got. Even if I managed my depression and stayed more engaged, we were still going to follow different paths. Maybe it would have been better had we acknowledged this sooner. My youngest is 16 and still in high school so maybe not.
One of the things I’m really struggling with is her view on it all. To me she seems to take no responsibility and feels this was God’s plan for her. I’ve never been religious so I really can’t understand this viewpoint. I have a hard time understanding Gods plan was for her life to be fulfilled and mine be destroyed along the way.
Quick update, we've been talking and for the first time have started to set aside dedicated time to work on things. We've both been very open about how we got here and what each of us wants and what each of us needs to do if we are to move forward. Right now, we are both open to the possibility of things growing. We both agree we can never go back to when things were different but if we are both open to growth, that seems like a step in the right direction. I'm hoping these discussions and these results are genuine. I'm proceeding cautiously though. Time will tell.
