I hate you

I hate you for everything you did to me in an effort to "protect me". I hate you for finally letting me know what it's like to have someone's unconditional support and then leaving me. I hate that it's going to take me years to get over being abandoned by you because you are so afraid of loving again. I hate that I don't even know what to believe about myself, about you, and about whatever memories of us I even have. Was any of it even real or did I make it up in my own mind? Am I so pathetic and such a stranger to kindness that I mistook your behavior for love? Obvliously, because we never even used the words "i love you." Always being there for me and trying to make me happy; was it for me or way to distract yourself? Was I just a fill for your depression; a way to get through the days so you had something to keep your mind off of not wanting to be alive anymore? I hate that I will never have answers or closure because you would rather keep blocking and unblocking me on facebook instead of actually trying to talk to me. I will never ever initiate contact with you, and you know that, but still you insist on being passive agressive to try to provoke me. I hate that you will never understand the pain you have caused me by just abruptly leaving, by refusing to listen to any of my recomendations for you to get help. I hate that I will always try to help you when you reach out because I worry you will actually do something to youreself one day. I hate the confusion and inablility to rationalize any of it. I hate that I want you back still, that i want to rewind to this point last year where you helped me get ready for the masters program you helped me get into. I want to go back to you taking care of me while I was sick, I want back the man I loved even though I was to afraid to say it. I hate that I don't even know if that man actually existed anymore, maybe it was my delusion, maybe it was real, maybe your ptsd really did take you away from me. Idk anymore and I hate you for it.