How to Balance Being Critical

So after the session I had with my therapist yesterday about friendships, a never-ending problem I seem to have, I have done some thinking.

I'm supposed to figuring out my self-worth and value in hopes that it will make me happier and somehow magically make me be able to be happy in relationships. I get that, but the problem is I don't know how to form healthy friendships and relationships. This is where my frustration lies. I would not say that everyone hates me because that isn't true, but I've experienced a lot of pain in friendships, similar reoccurring ways people treat me, and it's making me feel like I'm doomed and incapable of being treated the way I want to be treated. I just want support, honesty, and direct communication and I have not been able to find those things in people. When things come up, I feel like I'm treated much more harshly than friends within the friend group. People I bend over backwards for, care for, and help are able to recognize that I'm a good friend in doing those things, but these same people cannot defend me, support me or be loyal to me.

With that being said, I also think that I'm am hyper-critical. I don't want to say overly critical because I think that doesn't capture what I mean or my intentions the way hyper-critical does. I think hyper-critical is a better way to describe it because I feel like I have to be hypervigilant and aware of everything that goes on and how individuals treat me so I don't get hurt. I communicate when someone has hurt me or made me feel uncomfortable. I see myself as forgiving and able to move forward when the person has acknowledged my feelings and apologized. But then other things come up, adding on and on and I feel uncomfortable and unable to trust the person to continue in the friendship. Then it's done, on my accord, because I feel it's necessary to communicate and let them know that I'm done.

Now that I've sort of analyzed the past relationships and such, I'm trying to balance being hypercritical and when to know when it actually was time to say goodbye because that friendship was unhealthy. I often struggle with not feeling like I give people enough chances and then once I do finally pull the plug, I feel like I've been too harsh or take 100% of the blame for things not working out. I'm not sure how to balance that though. I feel like I can either let people use me the way they want and treat me however with no say or I can express my boundaries and feelings and communicate. Communication has not done me well as those people don't end up changing their actions and how they treat me. Then I end up spiraling into a depression because I'm so confused as to what the actual problem is and why they couldn't work with me or understand my point of view. Now I'm scared to try anything or form relationships with anyone else because nobody seems to be able to understand me.

I feel like I'm hypercritical but at the same time my concerns and feelings are valid. People end up always turning out to not be trustworthy or show that they don't care about me. I know a part of that is me looking for it, but I always end up finding it. I try not to look for it as much, but I still find it. I feel like me not looking for it will result in me being used and walked over. Me not looking for it is me giving people the benefit of the doubt and I've done that and been hurt. It's a cycle I can't seem to get myself out of.