How I did everything wrong
Hi everyone, I've been on 7cups for nearly a decade, since my teens. This is my first time posting here, and the first time opening about my life, so please bear with me if you can, this might take a while.
I've always been the quiet elder child of the house. Expected to just take it like a man, bear all responsibilities and do as I'm told. Brought up in an abusive household, I could barely ever speak up, let alone stand for myself. I tried to escape that, while also providing for my family, by joining the army at 16.
But things didn't go too well there. Due to my soft spoken nature, I was constantly bullied and taken advantage off. And one day, disaster struck when I fell on my back from like 15 feet on training. Everyone was fearing I might not walk again.
I did somehow recover, enough to move, walk, and eventually run, but I do have back pain at times. The greatest help with my recovery was my then girlfriend, who I had met online at the age of 17, after coming back home.
The internet was a simpler space back then, and not everyone was hiding who they were. We both met at a vulnerable point in our lives, and I had severe doubts if I could ever be loved. But she assured me I did, and we loved each other with utmost passion. Making plans to move in together, get married, have kids. However, that would only last for 7 years, when out of nowhere, she hit me with "I'm sorry, I fell out of love".
Without her, I felt lost again. I had lost my anchor. I held on somehow, going back to my old ways and bad habits, chatting with people online since I'm too introverted and don't really socialize irl. I found someone else, went through the same again, and she did the same, though this time it was a 2 year long relationship. Quite the cycle, isn't it? But idk, this time it hit me harder.
Things couldn't get any worse, right? You'd be wrong. About 2 years ago, I had joined a new workplace. And what do you know, a girl actually did like me, at least for a while. But just my luck, I was going through a bad phase, dealing with a breakup, death in the family, and my dad suffering two strokes, coupled with financial struggles. I pushed her away, thinking that I was protecting her, but I only hurt her. So deeply that she would go on to say yes to a guy her dad picked for her to marry.
That guy would go on to break her heart, and she would lose all hope in love and marriage, calling the whole concept ***. So here I m, lost, broken, guilty, alone, living a goalless life, with no real will to live.
@charmingBranch7954
Wow. Congratulations on your first post. Thank you for sharing. You deserve to be heard. How wonderful that you have been a part of 7 cups for so long. I'm a relative newbie by comparison.
I was touched by your story. And here's a few random thoughts.
When someone starts learning a musical instrument, they play lots of wrong notes. We expect that and don't blame them for the mistakes.
It seems like your parents didn't teach great things about how to do relationships. It certainly doesn't sound like they were any good at relationships themselves, so how could they teach you? If you are having to learn by yourself, is it any wonder if you make a few mistakes?
To be honest, I don't see any mistakes in your story, just someone living their life and experiencing the ups and downs. But you clearly feel you have made some mistakes. I'm just sad that you are blaming yourself for this, when you are having to learn as you go.
How about taking a moment to assess what relationship skills you have and which you sometimes struggle with, and investing a bit of time to improve the ones you'd like to do better on?
You sound a bit lonely. This is a hard time of year to be lonely. But it's also a time for new beginnings. I hope you find peace and happiness in the coming year.
And I hope this is the start of lots of future posts. Looking forward to seeing you around.
@Clio9876 thank you so much for reading all of it. It really means a lot
