Feeling mixed up

Hey guys. I've been feeling very anxious lately about some things going on in my life. To start, I have a mom who exhibits traits of a narcissist. She is also very religious. Growing up, I didn't notice it as much because I thought it was normal. We went to church every Sunday, as well as during the middle of the week. I volunteered in ministry and went on a couple mission trips. I know a lot of families do this kind of thing but I also had a sense of self and didn't agree with everything the church did. For example, the church I grew up in did not want to do English services because they were a "Spanish" church. The next and last church I went to had a whole lot wrong with it. For starters, they bought a 9 million dollar building. Good news is they had a women & children's shelter, as well as a men's shelter; they also had a cafe. However, the women's shelter got a lot of resources. The men's shelter was a hole in the wall place that fed cold sandwiches. At one point, they closed down the men's shelter.

Reason I bring this up is that a few years ago, my now fiancee was kicked out of his home by his abusive stepfather. He called relatives and friends and the excuses were "We don't have room" or "We don't want to get involved." So, as a last resort, he called me. Now, I lived with my parents at the time, as I was in college and had a very low paying job. When I approached my parent's, I let them know that I'm not asking that he stay with us but wanted to know if he could come by for a few hours to figure out next steps. They agreed and after a few hours of dead end searches, they let us know that he could stay until he found something. At the time he had a minimum wage job and we lived in a large city, so getting an apartment was proving exceedingly difficult. So, we searched for rooms or any other situation.

It was during that time that my eyes were opened, not only to things regarding the church I was in, but also to the way my mother is. The whole time he was with us, he was putting in a lot of effort. From getting another job to going to school. The whole time, however, my mother kept saying that she didn't want him there because it wasn't "morally right" . Basically, she kept saying he was a burden. As her daughter, this gave me a lot of anxiety because I cared about how she felt. However, my fiancee and I also felt pushed in a corner because, while we kept looking for options, they were hard to find and we weren't having much luck. She did not want anyone in the family to know. One time, my younger cousins were coming over and she asked my fiancee to stay in the room the whole time they were there so that they wouldn't ask questions. Whenever he tried having dinner with us, she always appeared annoyed. She also only wanted to do things "just us family" and exclude him constantly. It got to a point where he couldn't even have dinner with us anymore. I would eat with my family and when they left, I would serve him and spend time with him separately. At one point, he lost his job and she forbade me from using the money from my job for food for him and I. SHe said, a woman shouldn't have to provide for her man. That's a man's job. Thing is, she also didn't want him eating our food either. So, if I didn't help, what would he eat? I wasn't about to have him starve so I helped regardless of getting in trouble for it. Thing is, he soon found another job. My mom then suggested he go to school for a job training program, which he did. However, that didn't stop anything. The exclusion and berating continued. One Valentine's Day, she made chocolate covered strawberries. However, I was not to give any to him.

She also kept pushing him to go to church and called it "encoureaging". He had to go as often as we went and join a ministry. On days he came home from work and was tired, she still pressed for him to go and if he wasn't feeling well, she wouldn't believe him. One day, it got really bad. He came to me breathing weird and said it felt like he was breathing glass. I got my mom because she is a nurse. She told me to go upstairs. A few minutes later, she bursts in the room shouting "HE CAN'T STAY HERE" over and over again. She told me he was faking and pressed that we could send him to our church's men's shelter. I told her I didn't want to do that because it would actually set him back. There was a polar vortex going on and he wouldn't be allowed inside the shelter until a certain time in the evening. Beds weren't guaranteed and it was first come first serve. She pressed on and on and eventually, to my guilt, I gave. As soon as I saw him leave the door with his bags, I became angry and very guilt ridden. Part of me was angry with my mother because I didn't feel she really gave me much of a choice. It was either that or she was going to feel pushed in a corner and start shouting and exploding. The other part felt guiltiy for giving in.

The next couple weeks were her trying to get me to go out and date or go out with friends because "a girl like me shouldn't have to go through this." To be honest, I was really angry at this because she was the one making everything difficult and making it all about her. We followed her rules and that was never enough. SHe kept claiming to do what was best for me and saying "I want this for you" or "I'm doing this for you" and it was complete bullshit. So, a couple weeks go by and I couldn't take it anymore. I went to go see the pastor that ran the men's shelter. My mom caught wind of this and kept trying to persuade me that I shouldn't go because that pastor "wasn't raised like I was and with our values." Mind you, this pastor has helped drug addicts, gangbangers, prostitutes, and people who wanted to end their lives. I think she's more than qualified to deal with this. So, I met with the pastor and found out that, after my fiancee was dropped off at the shelter, he said he needed to go to the hospital. Pastor took him and it was there she found out that he had a 103F fever. When I found out, I was absolutely livid at my mother for, once again, not believing him when he said he wasn't feeling well. I told her I would do all I can to help him and she said "WHAT?!" Then again said I shouldn't be dealing with this because I was too young. She said she wanted me to have a good life and be with someone who has everything together, and loves me and God. I let her have it and told her that I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I sat back and did nothing. His family obviously wasn't going to help.

Right after meeting with the pastor, I ran around trying to find my fiancee so that I could apologize. Eventually, I found him and did. I told him he didn't have to take me back and that I would help him regardless because its the right thing to do. He gave me the biggest hug and I was reminded how warm his hugs are. Anyways, he said he wanted to be with me still and in that moment, I found a bit of happiness in the middle of crazy.

Soon, I graduated college and found a job out of state. He encoureaged me to fly out. I told him I didn't want to leave him alone with my family because I was always the wall that was between him and my mother. He definitely defended me, but there were other times she wanted to kick him out. Another time she tried while he was asleep after taking cold medicine.

So, I flew out and saved up for an apartment. Soon after, him and my mom have another falling out and he got kicked out again. THis time, I just finished saving up enough and found a place so I told him to come with me. Needless to say, she went ballistic. "How could my daughter live with a man and not be married" or "How could she do this to me / choose him over me." I didn't. She is my mother and he is my man. Completely different roles. I stood up to her then too.

Thing is, a few years later she calls me and says she likes him now. He graduates from IT school tomorrow and she says she's proud and wishes she could be there. She's been really nice for the past year, but still has some of her controlling tendancies. For instance, when it comes to vacations, I tell her when Im available and she wants another week at least.

Reason I bring this all up is because she's coming at the end of next week. She is my mom, and for most of my life, I've had great memories of her. However, I am upset at how she treated me and my fiancee. My fiancee said he doesn't want her in the house at all, ever, but won't stop me from speaking with her or having a relationship with her. My family is close, and I am dreading the conflict that this is going to incur. My family says she is trying to make amends and part of me believes that but I get my fiancee's side as well. She can't just expect everything to be OK after that. I know its been a few years since it all happened and she apologized me saying that she didn't realize I could love someone with Aspbergers (which he's never been diagnosed with). She also never apologized to him. In all my life, she's never been the apologizing type, so I definitely see where he doesn't trust her. I'm wary myself.

I am having a lot of conflicting feelings regarding this. I want my mom to be able to come over my house and I'll stand up to her if I need to. I do want a relationship with my mom because I'm the type that wants to give the benefit of the doubt. Still, I know what my fiancee went through and I don't blame him at all for what he's feeling. I guess I get anxiety over this because it reminds me of being "the wall" again. Always walking on eggshells to keep mom from blowing up or having a panic attack because she was always reckless when that happened. My fiancee says he isn't asking me to choose. He just feels our apartment, and future home, is our safe space and he doesn't want her in it. We discussed and both fear another blow up because he's held a lot back and hasn't told my mom how he feels because she tends to play victim. Not only that but we're worried about arguing ourselves if a blow up happens. I guess there's a lot of anxiety to go around. We both agreed to couple's counseling because this is the one area we still need to heal from.

I know this is a long post and if you read to the end, thanks. Guess I needed to vent that out.