Can't break free of my relationship with my ex
last summer I broke things off with my fiancée. But he is my only friend outside of family. So we agreed to stay friends (bad idea, I know). Now I know he still loves me in that way, and thinks he can get me back. He wants to talk on the phone all the time, and when I don't he gets upset 😭. I don't want to talk that much. I don't see how to tell him without hurting him. How do I get the strength to tell him I need more space, which would cause him pain?
@falconer42
Hi there, I know how tough such a situation would be :( It's sticky for sure, because even though you've broken things off, it sounds like you still care deeply for him and would not want to hurt him. The thing is, for his sake and yours, it would be best to talk to him about this ASAP. Why drag this on for you? Why allow him to linger when he could use this time to face his fears that the relationship has ended, and possibly move on? My thoughts on it ofcourse. Ultimately, you know your life and relationship better than anyone else :)
If you do talk to him though, just let him know gently as best as you can. What is important is that you're genuine and honest, as you and him deserve that, considering the history you both have shared. The best way to do so is to focus on yourself and use terms like "I" instead of "You". So like, "I feel..." and so on. It's going to be hard for sure, but you can do it! Sending you strength and positive energy!
@falconer42
Carrying on a friendship with an ex partner is always a tricky situation. We often still care about them and don't want them to be hurt, and that can sometimes bind us in a situation or relationship we don't want ourselves. I think in the end we have to accept that someone at some point will be hurt and that we can't actually control whether or not they will be, and by how much. In the long term, you both will likely be hurt as this drags on, and the longer you don't talk to him and let him know that this is not something you want, the longer he has some hope and the worse the disappointment will be for everyone involved at the end. It's something you'll have to deal with at some point, which you sound like you know already, and now it's just a question of accepting that sooner is better than later. He will get hurt, yes. But you and him both will be less upset now than later, when things may be even more confusing. And it's also important to remember that while he will be hurt, and it is in a way caused by you, how far he decides to take it or how long he lets it stew are his decisions. If he acts unfairly or bitterly/meanly afterwards or you're scared you're risking the friendship because of how negatively he may react, it's on him, not you, and then it's definitely time to move on.
thank you everyone! I know I've got to do this soon, since last night he said he still hopes we can, "work things out." I am now convinced I am leading him on by letting him be so much in my life. Sigh. I'm going to have to do this soon now. Gods I'm scared. I'm not good at setting boundaries in the first place, and this is going to be a doozie.
@falconer42
Good luck! You are strong, and you got this ;)
