Being mentally ill and in a healthy relationship!

I don’t understand relationships, I’m a person who have been on a search to be loved because she loved greatly even though she didn’t know what love is and because she grew up with being abused and neglect. I have been in toxic relationships and I have been groomed before.. I’m still trying to find my way to heal. I sought out those people though, to be loved from them because I wanted to feel wanted I desperately needed them to want me like how I wanted them but all I got was hatred from them and coercion into sexual acts and sending photos. After being groomed some months later I met my current boyfriend, he sought me out. He liked me first. That’s so crazy to me. How can someone like me first isn’t it funny because I am the one always doing the looking and the chasing. Among our friends who are thousands of miles away we lived in the same state and city! I was so.. surprised so happy. We were talking at first romantically until some things happened between us but we found our way to each other. Me and him both have to endure living with horrible parents. He put up with me, with all my mental issues my bpd my relationship anxiety and I.. I cried in his arms because I never felt this way, I never felt so loved it was overwhelming, too much. I was confused like “ should I feel this way “ I kept pushing and pulling from him because I was afraid of commitment and have abandonment issues which stems from my old partners never dating me and leaving me. My boyfriend is the opposite of me very logical and I’m emotional he is optimistic I am pessimistic. I have been since working on myself to better myself/mental and build our relationship! I have gotten so good at communication! Well guess what! My relationship anxiety has been setting in! Our relationship was thriving and it still is but my depression and anxiety has.. risen.. greatly that it is impacting our relationship. When I got off this bc and got my period I had a random thought that I didn’t love my boyfriend, it was an— aggressive screaming that I didn’t love him. I was so shocked because where did this come from? How can my mind just ignore how I feel, ignore the emotions that are flowing in me??? I was so confused and I got instantly depressed and triggered. My abandonment issues arose from the dead and I tried pulling away from him but I still hanged onto him because he just felt.. right. I felt like what we had wasn’t done wasn’t over and I hung onto that feeling, that gut feeling. I kept researching what this anxiety might be and if I could have any mental illnesses and I was asking my friends if my relationship was different from the others for reassurance but the reassurance always made it come back. Then I started developing intrusive thoughts about an old limerent crush I had. I started to check my feelings, started to see if I was attracted to other men.. I was just spiraling all together! These intrusive thoughts made me sick, they made my have a headache, made my head very tense and I disassociated. When I thought about my boyfriend though I became happy, my head cleared and I just feel like I’m on cloud 9 with him, its so calming not chaotic like my other relationships. I just love it. My boyfriend is the first person I had dreams about I believe, good dreams. And sometimes… an abandonment dream here and there. Lol. I just feel as if my anxiety and depression is really affecting my relationship and I do! Want to be with him. I do. I never felt so sure about myself before. He gets me, he makes me feel safe, loved but not only that. I want to see him happy, not sad, I want to see him smile because his smile is the most finest thing to have ever happened to man! The anxiety and intrusive actually stopped .. they’re on and off tbh just random. Yeah.. (: my boyfriend made me feel normal, he makes me feel happy and just being with him gives me a lot of reasons to love life, it makes me see the world in a clearer view rather that black and white! I’ve been in touch with the activities I used to do