Been A While…

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here, more than six months. Things were going great, now it seems to be falling apart again. I don’t even know where to start. I guess my …relationship issues… since that is why I am back. In most of my romantic relations I’m never the one to leave. I don’t know I just think if it’s love it’s worth trying, right? And not giving up so easy. My grandparents had issues for years yet they were together happy for 99% of it until he passed. I try to live by that. So me running, I can’t say it doesn’t happen. It does. But with this girl I’ve been with off and on for about 3-ish years… I seem to bolt when things go wrong. I’ve left this lady like four times, and I hate myself for it. Yet some how she still has feelings for me, and I still have feelings for her. She deserves someone who will stay. It’s just that things go wrong and I don’t think she knows how to handle her emotions very well, so when she pulls away, becomes distant for weeks at a time I don’t know what to do. And it’s not just me, either. She just seems to have problems with people leaving, and I didn’t want to be like that but it happened. The last time we saw each other we had a pretty big fight about not spending anytime together and both of us not communicating or listening. But when we got out of the car though, we had so much fun, were holding hands, kissing and all smiles. Yesterday after a year apart we finally saw each other. I don’t know why it was so long, I think part of it is she was busy like she said, but I also think she was avoiding me. A lot of people tell me to leave permanently but I just can’t. Something draws me to her like a moth to a flame. I feel terrible I keep leaving and like I think I said I can definitely see it from her point of view especially with her kid who I thought didn’t care about me. Her mom gave me the same kind of feeling. She and I are both damaged goods. If you go back in my profile you can see that around July and August I was having a difficult time with unresolved feelings towards one of my first serious girlfriends. I’ve worked through that, but I think I still have abandonment issues, so when I feel like things are going wrong or not like they should; I do whatever I can to save myself from another stupid long time of hurt. Her and I are (god this hurts to type) friends right now, but that’s not what I want. I’m ashamed to say I ghosted her. She of course is ***. But she gave me the impression by not seeing me there she didn’t care. What else would I think? So I just left her alone. It’s all crazy. She said something needs to change and I agree. I’d love to go to couples therapy but the issue with that is we are friends and friends don’t do couples therapy, lol. She says she loves me still; only god knows what reason. I was the first guy to not abuse her and that’s why she sticks with me. She also feels safe with me. She knows I wouldn’t do things like post her *** if we broke up. I respect her too much, even though if it doesn’t seem like that to her. I love her with all my heart, and even though things are hard with us right now I believe it’s fixable. It’s not going to be easy; we are both going to want to get help and make a plan. Probably talking, then some kind of separate counseling, and couples counseling. If we got back together it would be a LDR, which we are both okay with. All I really want is to see her once a month; to talk on the phone or FaceTime or whatever, something like that. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. I think she just wants to see some change, as there isn’t that romantic kind of interaction. There are additional things that cause us hardships but this is already long enough, I’ll spare you the details. The best times of my life are the times I spend with her. The feelings are deep, real and long lasting.

If you read all this, thank you.