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Bad mouthed my own significant other but they are turning over a new leaf and friends aren't as willing to believe as I am
PlzDontPanic January 20th, 2017
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I'm in a long term relationship with my significant other for almost a decade, he has done me wrong often enough that a lot of people wouldn't put up with it, but I also have the strongest feelings of romantic attachment to this person, unconditional love. But over the years there were incidencts where they cheated, lied, and relied on me financially against my will. And I talked about it with people I thought were our friends but they have never been really helpful because all they've said is that I should dump my significant other, when what I wanted was advice about how to manage the situation so that we can be happy together. Anyway now after almost a decade these friends are starting to mention that I should dump my significant other at every conversation even though I didn't bring s.o. up. And now my S.O. is turning over a new leaf, trying harder to be more caring and recipricol in the relationship. When I tell my friends this, they say we have a pattern and that my S.O. will fail me again and that everyone can see it and that my S.O. is holding me back and everything.

I really want to try being with my s.o. on the terms that he's trying this hard to make things right, I want to give him that chance...I am doing so. But every interaction with my friends that I've talked to about us has been them telling me to come stay on their couch or something and just move on. I love my s.o. I think sometimes these friends hearts are in the right place and sometimes maybe they are just interfering because they like drama. I wanted adivce I could use and didn't get it, now they are pushing me to do something I don't want to do or am not ready to do at this time.

I feel terrible because I have created a rift between our friends and my s.o. I have laid out our private business to people I thought would keep it to themselves because it isn't gossip it's about a friend in need of advice and support, but they talked to each other about us and I'd hear what I said to one person coming out of another persons mouth. I work with some of my "friends" now and wonder sometimes if everyone at work knows our private business because I trusted a few friends to be supportive and keep my confidence.

My S.O. wants to move away and I think resents me a bit because people know more about them than they'd like.

How can I fix this?

2
wonderousHeart14 January 21st, 2017
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@PlzDontPanic

This is a really complicated situation. I too have been there!

I've been on 3 different ends of this, 1. I've had a partner tell all their friends, only the bad about me, never the good - awkward. 2. I've confided in friends and told them about the bad things my partner would do, and I've lost a lot of friends because I kept going back and they got sick of hearing about it. 3. I've also been the friend hearing it all, having my friend unload on me about their relationship stress and when they've asked for my advice they didn't take it they just went back to the person and then that person hated me because of my judgements.

All three are strange places to be in. Think about, what is most important to you. You sound very optimistic about working on your relationship and you also sound so happy that your partner has been working hard at it - so good for you!

2cupsofteaa January 26th, 2017
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@PlzDontPanic

Hi there, I really do feel your discomfort in this position as I have had an experience like this as well.Similarly, I confided with my trusted friends about fights that occurred with my significant other, not because I wanted advice, but because I just wanted emotional support - to have them reassure me about the strength I have to maintain a relationship instead of bad mouthing my significant other...which they did. It's not a great feeling because they put you in the position where you've got to defend your partner and that defeats the whole purpose of going to them for support! So yeah, I am 100% with you on that.

And true, a lot of the times, their words derive from a place of concern and care for you, as I can only imagine the hurt you must have been in for you to pursue "outside" comfort, BUT the fact that you're feeling overwhelmed, horrible, regretful now about having opened up to them, really says something about how far they have taken this. Instead of showing that they are there for you, your friends are isolating you even more, and causing a rift not only between you and them, but you and your S.O. It's good intention to begin with sure, but talking about your problems behind your back isn't. That's gossip, and it sounds like it would be very infuriating and frustrating to be placed in this position when you just wanted to have someone hear you out when you broke down. I wonder, have you considered talking to them about it? To express how uncomfortable they have made you feel? Because it sounds like holding it all in and dealing with this by yourself in silence would just be too much!

Either ways, don't be too hard on yourself. Sure, you might feel like it's a mistake to have trusted these people, but in that time and place, it sounds like you needed support from others to help you cope with your pain. I'm glad to hear that your S.O is trying to turn over a new leaf - you're a very strong person! I just want you to know that :)

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