Am I wrong for staying?
Me and my boyfriend had a close relationship from before we decided to date.He would make sure I was good throught the day and regardles of his schedule he always made time for me… Eventually we both gained strong feelings for each other but I wasn’t willing to jeopardize our friendship. He was willing to do whatever to have me as his girlfriend. Time went on and he started to ask me out occasionally and each time I would reject him and jockingly would say “your my bestfriend how much closer do you want to be?” Shortly after that we got into it and he expressed to me that he was afraid that I was just going to find someone else, I assured to him that I simply just wasnt ready to date and I didnt want to mess up the bond that we currently have. He felt that I was playing him and his feelings… and procceeded to be mad at me. At that point I gave in and decided to give it a shot. 3/4 months went good but eventually we had both started peeping some things. I noticed he was following some of my close friends that were attractive and liking their old posts and commenting under them. I was confused as me and him are long distant and he didnt even know them. I found that as something odd. Then he started to make slick comments about my “obsession” with Instagram. He told me that it was my “whole life” . Soon on he started accusing me of cheating, when it was just me conversating with my
male friends that I’ve known before him. Then he was mad at me for months for commenting under a male friends post. I made that comment from before I even met my bf. He kept his anger and agression towards me for months and continued to accuse me no matter how much proof I provided that i wasnt cheating. Eventually i gave in and dropped all my male friends, I removed them from all my social media. It still wasn’t enough. He still accused me of things that I wasnt doing and was openly mad at me. (Not to mention he has had access to my accounts at any and all times) so on I managed to bring myself to the point of deactivating and deleting all my social media accounts to keep peace as most our problems was social media rooted. Issues still occured in regards to things of the past. Its been almost a year of him being mad at me. He still doesn’t trust me and tells me im on thin ice. He doesnt come to me and hes not open with me. Im starting to believe that he was projecting his own behavior on me but then anothet prt of me believes that hes going through something personally in his own life that hes not open to discussing and wants his space. He hardly makes time for me now and we havent had any bonding time in over ten months. We barely talk, he doesnt compliment me anymore and so on. Im still holding on to hope that things will get better and that we will make it through this. No matter who I talk to everyone suggests that I leave, but for some reason I still continue to wait around and stay. He’s not really there for me and is as if he’s drifting off from me. He claims to only sleep and work all day, but somedays i question if thats just an excuse to not talk to me. Im not the type to bombard him, I actually extend the offer and leave it open and give him space till its on his terms. Thanks for reading this lengthy post!💜
Hi @Bossedupx3,
As we always say, you are the expert on you. You know the situation and the other person as well as your feelings better. I understand it's not an easy situation.
What you should do? That's on you but we are here to listen and I believe everyone needs someone to listen sometime. Hope you having a good day!
@Bossedupx3
As @iJUNAID said very well, I feel like you ought to be allowed to do what you want to do. Your friends or other people (including me or other listeners or whomever) can suggest things or make comments. But ultimately, if you feel really strongly that you want to stay or that you aren't ready to leave, then that's your choice to make and that is to be respected.
I read what you wrote and there were some things you mentioned that felt like red flags to me:
- There's a double-standard where it's completely okay for him to comment on the Instagram posts of attractive friends of yours (which you found suspicious but were tolerant/patient/forgiving of)... but if you do anything at all that's even remotely similar (even if you have a reasonable explanation), he considers it completely unacceptable and he gets furious.
- He's been angry and distrustful for nearly a year over something where you've gone through a lot of trouble to try to assuage his anger and do everything he's asked you to do.
- He's exercised a level of control over your actions and limited your freedom in ways that is arguably abusive: 1) he forced you to cut off contact with all of your male friends, 2) he forced you to close your social media accounts, and 3) he's insisted on having full access to all of your accounts. (I felt troubled when I read this part of your story. You're not able to act freely for fear of angering him.)
- Despite how insistent he is on controlling your actions and having exclusive ownership over you, you've said that he hardly communicates with you, makes time for you, or gives much support/affection to you
I feel like you'd probably agree that these are all pain points or things that you find troubling or difficult about the relationship. However, none of this means that you have to leave, and I strongly believe in respecting your freedom to do what feels best for you.
***
Personally, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship years ago, and I felt like I needed to stay. At some point, the pressure/conflict did become intense/agonizing enough that it became too much for me to handle and I was forced to leave. The whole time, both when I decided to stay and when I decided to leave, I was still following my feelings and doing what felt comfortable to me. Doing something that I didn't feel comfortable with just because my friends/family wanted me to didn't feel right.
Now that I'm far removed from the situation, today I'd never stomach putting myself into a situation like that again and I feel a bit angry that I allowed myself to suffer for such a long time. But I don't regret having trusted and followed my own feelings though. Things have a way of changing when they need to and not before they're ready to.
If you're looking for someone to talk to, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who accept chats on relationships. Alternatively, HERE is a link to my booking form if you'd like to schedule a chat with me.
@Junaid , Im overwhelmed with all the support and feedback I'm receiving in regards to this situation. Once I’m ready to sit and talk I would love to speak with you guys on it. Its been hard for me to open up on this situation as the only support I received is “why are you still with him” and “ leave him”. I felt like a pest each time I brought my relationship up. I no longer feel such way. 😌
Thank you so much for taking time to write me as well as relating to me. You covered all the red flags that stood out to me as well. You grasps my overall feelings and were quite spot on. Yes indeed double standards! Its extremely hard being in this position, but at the and of the day its the choice I made. It’s been hard and I really want this relationship as he’ never been like this in the past. Its hard seeing how he's changed to a different person.
Now on the other hand. It truly hurts knowing others have been through what I'm going through, and that theirs others who are actively living like I am in this situation. I cant comprehend why one would be this way to someone they claim to love. With following what you feel os best and comfortable without following others suggestions is good. I think its good to hear other option and weighing out your cons and pros. I agree with being open minded but with being open minded you don't have to make choices that your uncomfortable with.
Furthermore, Im glad you made it out and set higher standards for yourself. Knowing and believing in your self worth is key. I wish you nothing but the best.
@Bossedupx3
I'm glad it felt like I was able to honor both sides without slighting either one:
- Feeling like things are difficult in so many ways
- Also wanting to stay and finding it unpleasant for people to jump in and say "just leave" without considering your feelings
I felt I wanted to express my own instinct of, "This doesn't really feel right" while still being clear that it's your choice to make and it still might not necessarily be the right time to do anything.
Thanks for your kind words. 💜
Oh god... my boyfrnd left me two days ago... and its same ... so same... we were together for 5 years he made me leave everything when he was still going out with female frnds...hr exes even!
I kept on forgiving bcz i loved him... than he became abusive... verbally emotionally and ohyiscally but i was attached beyond imagination... and yesterday he left me for a girl not to worry about... my friend leave!!!!
Leave before u r broken like me...
I m sorry i think i shouldnt have asked u to leave u should do what want.. i m sorry i think i m projecting ny trauma here
@helloCity5743
Wow, I'm so sorry you went through that. You were really patient, loyal, caring, and tolerant of your boyfriend despite his abuse, but then he suddenly left you for someone else--after 5 years together. 😟
It's really kind of you to care about not seeing someone else suffer like you have. And it's also really kind of you to care about respecting that someone else's situations/feelings might be different. 💜
