Am I unloved?
Hi there,
I never had a relationship. Not even a fling. It is said that the spark happens automatically, when someone likes you. In my whole college life, no one felt that spark with me. Seeing my friends have this thing going for them so easy (some with even options to consider), I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me, that I was never meant for that. I never had troubles with making friends, nor it is that I'm hard to talk with. But just not the type when it comes to relationship.
I'm quite worried, under stress and anxiety about future. I'm having a hard time accepting this.
Please give some advice to this total relationship virgin in his 24 to cope with this.
@agreeableHickory9108 well college relationship's aren't what they are copped out to be most don't last or They end up breaking up because of long distance or graduating, My Friend is 25 and just got her first Boyfriend so its not too late. but keep putting your self out there and i think someone will come along if you just keep trying and learning from your mistakes etc. Dating right now is tough due to the pandemic have you tried dating sites ?
@agreeableHickory9108
Hi there! :)
Nothing of what you said means there's anything wrong with you or that you are unloved. You are completely fine, don't worry about that.
I completely understand looking at others and seeing them getting into relationships easily all the time, and even having numerous options, like HOW!
The truth is we don't know the details of the relationships the people around us are in. We don't know what their challenges are, what their fights look like, or anything really. We only get to see what they choose to show us. Would we really want what they have if we knew the absolute truth? I think most of the time, no, because we are uniquely us and the relationships we want are going to be unique to us.
Not to mention that people get into relationships to run away from themselves all the time. The pressure we feel to be partenered is also felt by others, and could be their driver towards being partnered. I think at the end of the day that we all have our challenges. They most likely have problems in other areas, problems we don't know about.
What truly matters is that you stay true to yourself and true to your desires. Keep in mind why relationships are important to you, and do not settle for less. Nothing is worth the pain of doing something that hurts you and isn't authentic to you.
No one is going to bring us happiness. Relationships are about sharing love, and we need to have enough love overflowing within us to have any to share. I think a lot of us have been raised with the programming that we are incomplete and missing our other half. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Relationships are so much more than filling a void within ourselves. They are meant to help us grow and become better version of ourselves - for those who choose to think this way.
I do not think anyone should have the power to dictate whether you feel loved or not. That's just so much power in the wrong hands. I don't know if you're religious or spiritual, but you can sense that feeling of being loved by noticing all the things that DO actually come easy to you like making friends. What else comes easy to you? Try to think of that and you'll sense love. You also can sense love for yourself when you stand up for yourself, when you do things that are authentic to you, when you stay away from bad things, when you do what you love, etc. that all means that you love yourself and that makes you loved, by YOU.
By no means do I try and minimize the importance of relationships. Not at all. We are social biengs after all. However, I think we can build much healthier relationships by coming from self-loving mindsets and lifestyles.
Re: sparks. I actually know someone who did not feel sparks for her now fiance until a month or so after knowing him. I guess there are no rules.
I commend you for not jumping into a relationship and looking for something that proves to everyone else that you are "normal" especially being a man, I feel there is so much more pressure on them to be experienced or have tons of history. I disagree with that completely. You should only do what's right for you. Who cares what others think?
Getting yourself out there, and meeting more people will increase the probability of you finding someone. Just have fun and enjoy your time. Take it as a learning experience when you meet new people, and use it reflect on what you want/don't want. And be ok with rejection, don't take it personally. Rejection just means that your energy needs to be directed elsewhere.
Thank you for reading this far. I hope you find comfort in it. Good Luck.
@intuitiveWriter1887
Thank you ♥️
I know. I have heard people say love will come when you least expect it..all the time. I just find it hard to see that they seem to have all with a snap and talk so casually about it, and then there's me, getting back to square one after each try. Some of them even got together with my friends. I don't have problems with that, but then I think what did I lack...I feel like no one views me more than as a friend, while others end up from being total strangers to getting together.
I am an introvert but I don't have trouble talking. So I just wonder what do I keep doing wrong. Might be an issue with me ...moving on from someone I previously liked. It's just this patience and waiting that kills me and makes me feel miserable.
This just makes me feel helpless sometimes.
Thanks again for sharing :)
@agreeableHickory9108
Hi, I really feel for you and understand. I completely understand the "waiting" energy, and how heavy it feels waiting for something, ANYTHING, to happen.
My advise would be to let yourself feel that unsettling feeling of waiting, and then get yourself out of it bcs it's such a disservice to your mental and emotional health
Cultivate your other areas as much as you can. Keep your focus on what's going right, and how full your life actually is.
Remind yourself why you want a relationship, and seek people who are aligned to that.
If you're ok with feedback, ask your trusted and well-meaning friends if they have any advice for you, or any suggestions on why things may not be working for you. This could be quite vulnerable, but I think you might be a little too hard on yourself when you self-reflect. That's what comes across to me, so please have more self-compassion.
Single is just a social status. It doesn't make you worse or better than anyone else who is partnered. Again, it's this whole idea of being "chosen" that makes us think there's something inherently wrong with us for being single. Don't forget that you too are choosing when you decide to see someone.
Getting over someone is a difficult process, but not impossible. When we cultivate more self-love, we know we are deserving of love and devotion.
Let go of the neeed to be with someone. Just admit that you want it, but live fully reardless.
@intuitiveWriter1887
Thank you again, for bearing with me ♥️
I try to focus on my job. On my work. To get away from this. It has worked pretty much for me. I guess. Its just these short bursts of depressing thoughts triggered by some events, that just breaks the dam in me, releasing all thoughts I have buried behind it.
I myself to answer queries here on this community. Makes me feel great when people find it useful. Somehow I myself am not able to find out solution to my issues :P
I hope it all works out.
Thank you for every letter ♥️
Made me feel better :)
@agreeableHickory9108
You're most welcome. I'm very glad you feel better. My words are just as much a reminder to myself too bcs I definitely do not have everything worked out.
It's definitely fulfilling to know your words have created comfort or peace in someone else.
My last thought would be to not let these depressing thoughts define you. Acknowledge them when they come up but don't listen to them or indulge in them cause they only get stronger. "Oh, I see you. I understand you're trying to protect me, but I know that that is not true. I know how to take care of me, I am in charge. Thank you." These words to your wounded self will help you tremendously.
Anything you'd like to hear from someone else, say it to yourself." You're amazing!"" You're sexy", whatever. Your words to yourself have just as much impact.
Peace ❤️
@agreeableHickory9108 I feel like this sometimes also (21 F), however I have noticed that often it is the result of the circumstances we put ourselves in over our inner beings. I often find myself around people I would consider incompatible to date, however I often end up convincing myself that I would be compatible with them, could form genuine connections with them, and then feel upset when they don't find me attractive/show any interest in me. (Perhaps you feel the same?)
Either way, an easy remedy to this is to find new people. I know its cliched but joining a new hobby, a new sports team, and attending their social events often helps in sifting through the masses to find those most compatible with you. Often it isn't a case of anything wrong with you, but rather you being in the wrong place (or the right place, but at the wrong time).
At any rate, a spark is overrated. I've felt more sparks with people that have ended up screwing me over, showing interest in me (then leaving me), or using me until they've become official with their girlfriends for me to realise that strong feelings are often incorrect. To make more sense of this- this "spark" is often a strong, hormonal response to another. Often its sexual, but when more complex feelings are attached I find it to be connected to anxiety. This person sparks an insecurity in me, and my inner (child) self seeks to validate this connection and is drawn to them.
For a true compatible relationship, I believe that not a spark, but an ember, is much easier to deal with. Someone who is kind, and a good friend; someone you get along with, and pleasantly enjoy their company. Someone who DOESN'T inspire extreme feelings- these are the people to pursue, to engage with. A spark dissipates with the slightest wind, into the past. An ember will burn slowly for a lot longer.
Maybe you just need a change in perspective.
