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Husband has Fetish and it's affecting my marriage

suzanne1979 July 30th, 2020
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Newbie here, but looking for honest feedback and hopefully some encouragement that things can work out. My spouse is extremely attracted to BBW and SBBW (definite fetish). I did not know this at the onset of our relationship 18 years ago. I was definitely not his ideal type physically. I was a college athlete at the time. Anyhow, we were best friends (or so I thought) and moved forward with a romantic relationship. I eventually found out about this fetish by accident and suddenly more things made sense to me. I did not know how deeply it affected him though and unfortunately did not realize that until after marriage. I'm a bit co-dependent and eventually started gaining wait. A little here, a little there. Over the past couple of years I've been depressed over it and the fact that I feel objectified. Ihate the way I look and feel. Everything revolves around my weight and appetite in this relationship. I hate it. I've lost sense of self. I started losing weight after my second child and he appeared supportive, but sad. When the weight started coming off he became hateful toward me. Then when that didn't work he turned inward and I was worried he'd hurt himself, so I stopped losing weight. Over the past six months, we just kind of co-exist to raise our kids with the occasional passive aggressive comment about me being unattractive to him. It's gotten to where I don't want to eat around him. He focuses on it. We have no physical relationship and haven't for almost a year now. There are days to weeks where he shuts off entirely and won't talk to me or acknowledge me. I feel manipulated. I really resent him most days. He makes things difficult for me and is incapable of seeing the situation from my POV. I'm just feeling hopeless, lonely, and not sure how to proceed. Is there a way to move forward?

3
PBJLion July 30th, 2020
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I think you deserve better. No matter what fetish or preferences your husband has he has no right to tell you what to do with your body or make you feel bad for it. Knowone can tell you what to do with your life and I know change can be scary and realtionship can be complicated when people are in bad headspaces, but you cant force someone to treat you with respect. I think what helped me the most when I was in a difficult relationship, was figuring out that my feeling mattered and asking myself what I truely wanted. Have you had a talk about how you feel? If he apologizes will he actually change? Could you forgive him? If things were better what would they look like to you? Do you want to be in a relationship with him ? What would bring you happiness? Im sorry you are going through this. It must be really hard. Im proud of you for being strong. Im sorry if this doesnt help. I am rooting for you, whatever happens @suzanne1979

suzanne1979 OP July 31st, 2020
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@PBJLion I agree that it is my body. I also see the pain my husband is in because in his mind he feels I've rejected him because I don't want to participate in his fetish or understand it in his eyes. It's a slippery slope.

I hope that he can remember why he fell in love with me to begin with, which had nothing to do with my size or his fetish. I need him to separate the two, which is something he struggles with and this has caused a lot of discord between us.

It's hard for me to understand how he feels in his mind just as it's hard for him to empathize with me and my POV. It's almost an obsession that he has no control over and he hates himself for it. I keep hoping for him to have an epiphany, but he's in his mid-forties and I don't see that happening. It took him years to become comfortable enough to share it with me and my desire to not be fat is a slap in the face to him.

He blames my wanting to be thinner on society programming me. He refuses to see the health aspect or how I have been affected emotionally, mentally, and physically by his obsessiveness.

I really appreciate your support and words. It means so much to be able to come here and finally tell someone about my marital struggles because of his fetish. I guess I am looking for a way to be true to myself while still supporting him in a positive way.

Fetish is not something I'd ever taken into account before him. It can be a very dark, lonely place at times for those with the fetish and no way to express it and the people they love who don't understand it.

Hurtandconfused86 August 2nd, 2020
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You have to love yourself first. There's not really another way to put it. I myself at going through a change in my marriage dynamic as well. My wife felt the need to make some changes and as much as I dislike some of it, I realize she's doing it for herself so I've gone all in on being supportive and helping her. Maybe just sit down and explain to him how you feel and why you feel that way. Let him know it has nothing to do with society, it's just for you and how you want to feel. If he's not committed to supporting you, maybe he's not all in on the relationship.