Help for possible Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
*possible trigger warning for emotionally abusive situations/gun violence*
Brief background: My husband and I have been together for nearly 8 years, married for almost 5. We were high school sweethearts. He is the only serious relationship I've had and my only sexual experience. He's had minor encounters with others before me (fondling and oral play) but I'm the only one he's had intercourse with. He has never cheated on me so no STDs (will be relevant later). I come from an emotionally abusive household where my dad would regularly throw furniture, threaten to disown me and brothers, and threaten suicide while parading around with handguns and knives; all as a means of instilling fear to have total control of our lives. Mom enabled his behavior and would always take his side. They are both 100% untrustworthy.
When I was 17, my parents became suspicious that my future husband and I were having sex. We were, but they couldn't be trusted to know that. So they set up an appointment with my mom's gynecologist for me to see (my first gyno visit ever.) and the doctor refused to make my mom leave the room while I was being questioned so she ended up learning the truth of my sexual activity. She immediately called my dad crying and the metaphorical crap hit the fan after that. They proceeded to slut-shame me to our entire extended family to try to make me regret having sex. I never did regret it, but their treatment of me put me into an awful depression and shortly thereafter I developed a horrible pain whenever my husband and I would try to have sex. It felt like a combination of being ripped in half and being stabbed with red-hot needles. I'm the only partner my husband has had and I've never cheated so I know I didn't contract any STDs. The doctor (same one.) refused to look into the matter and diagnosed me with vulvadynia, told me the pain was all in my head, and prescribed antidepressants. It took almost 2 years for the pain to go away once it started and from the first onset to current time I have been unable to feel the physical sensation of arousal and sex has very minimal sensation to me now. I want sex but my body just won't respond. Fighting through the dryness and the pain because there's no physical arousal is exhausting and at this point sex has become a chore that I dread because I know I won't really enjoy it. I have no idea what to do to fix the problem and my relationship with my husband is starting to suffer because I keep pushing off sex. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.
I would love to see a counselor or sex therapist but can't afford it even with insurance. I don't have a family doctor and finding one that accepts new Medicaid patients in my area is basically impossible. Same goes for gynos. I live in the deep south USA so there's a lot of social stigma regarding mental health and as a result there's not many resources available, especially to poor folk.
I'm so sorry you experienced so much trauma and mistreatment that you definitely didn't deserve. I hope eventually you can get off a wait list to see a primary care doctor? It sucks that you are struggling to access the resources you need. Maybe you could just practice some simple grounding techniques/mindfulness on your own and try to explore your body by yourself and go slowly, stopping whenever you get too triggered? On a practical level you can do things like using more lubricant, doing kegel exercises, and asking your partner to be gentler until you are able to see a doctor who can really look into a medical problem.
I've tried so many things. Different lubricants, different positions, spontaneity and scheduling, exploration, among other things. My mind will get aroused, but my body just won't respond. I'm tempted to ask my gyno for the little pink pill even though there's not much evidence of it working very well. I know my body is capable of arousal because everything worked fine before that awful first gyno trip occurred. I'm just at a loss of what to try next besides medication because I can't afford therapy of any kind. I'm not against medication but I also don't want to develop a dependency on it.