What do you do to stop yourselves

@vlostwithyouv

Hello there. Most people do change because they have good reasons to do so. Why would she want to change?

How is being like she is a problem for her?

For what you say it seems that her behavour is a problem for you, but I cant see how it is a problem for her.

Some people change after being left alone, others dont. Some change after a good talk, some others not. Some change with love, others not... So I have no idea of how to help you to change another person that may want to change or not.

By the way, who takes care of you?

Best of luck. Hugs.

@vlostwithyouv Hello, I think you came to the wrong subforum by mistake. I invite you to send your messages to others where you will have more chances to get a reply, and also you can contact a listener to discuss your issues and receive support.

I'm well experienced. You have one of two options. One, you could leave her and save your own well being. Two, or stay and make excuses. I know you love her and that’s never going to change. Which isn’t bad but what is., is the excuses of both people. Relationships are a two way street. Mental illness has an impact on not only her but you. Technically you could abuse each other till the wheels fall off. Trying to hold onto something that needs it’s space to grow. She needs to reach out for help and some don’t until much later. Though I imagine you’ve done well.. you need to help yourself. You can’t be her therapist. I’ve been through this. I’m no longer with this person because I would let them take all of me. All I had left. I love them from a distance now. A tough love. This isn’t healthy for you or her. After all you can’t pour from an empty cup. There’s a thin line between healthy relationships and toxic ones. You can always be supportive but boundaries are needed. I’m not a therapist. So take this with a grain of salt. This is her nature. I know it hurts. It’s someone you love. It’s not hopeless but you seriously need to consider yourself. The person I almost married was someone struggling heavily with bipolar and manic episodes. Along with drugs and all sorts of horrible things. In the end she had her own agenda, I loved her regardless. Though she accepted help years later, she still never took responsibility for hurting others. I could never tell which side of her was truthful. Until I realized it’s all of her. Your case is slightly different. Sometimes we allow abuse because of our deep compassion and understanding for others. But it doesn’t make it right. She needs help just as much as you do. You need encouraging words yourself. You deserve love & support. I guess that’s why you’re on here right? Like any other mental illness there’s a spectrum. There’s no mold to fit into. We’re all gentle creatures. It’s not easy to break habits. Especially for someone who is a caretaker. The “ I have to wait until she wants me back.” Isn’t healthy. It’s a cycle that you spiral into because of love. But when it’s more painful than loving… you have to go. I would have died for that person I used to be with. I almost did a few times. Then when they had cheated on me more than a few times I had stopped playing their game. When I hated them, they wanted me closer. Eventually they had a baby with someone else. I was well distanced from them at that point. But did they ever stop crossing my boundaries? No. I had to create my own and it was arduous. It took me years to even realize how I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own health. I put this person on a pedestal over me. That’s not okay. Anyways, it’s not always so bleak. It can be freeing to surrender. What ever you choose to do I wish you well. Please love yourself. Please know there’s always a better possibility. If you never try you’ll never know. Much love. I hope I didn’t do too much damage on this one. You don’t need sugarcoating, you need the truth.