Troubled About My Friend’s Patterns with Women
I’m (F late 20s) friends with this guy (same age) since high school, we dated for a little while in much recent years but things didn’t work out. I’ve been troubled by certain aspects of his behavior with women and relationships, and am curious to hear broader perspectives.
- He’d ran into a few (I mean, minor and not many) sex-related issues since high school and college. Title IX allegations and such. But to keep matters short, from what I know, these incidents weren’t rooted in malicious intent; he expressed remorse and took steps to change. He’d shared details about some of these incidents with me.
- He’d had negative dating experiences and expressed bad luck with ladies, making him scared of talking to them. He had told me the ladies he met are either rude to him (making false allegations and making him really ), liar, sleep around, or lazy etc.
- He cheated on his first love (also from our high school). He tried to win her back for a very long time (to this day). He reached out to her again after he broke up with me. I’ve talked to this girl. She hated him because he kept reaching out to her, and she had to block him multiple times.
- He broke up with me and dated a new girl this year. Now he’s single again and he attempted to contact me again. As with his first girlfriend, he has… a rather difficult time letting go of people and moving on?
- In high school (and he was friend-zoning me back then), he told me he wish he has a little sister, because he only had little brothers. He sometimes called me and a few of his female friends little sisters back then.
- When we were dating, not so long ago, he told me (alongside with wanting many kids) that he specifically wants to have a daughter.
- He’s religious and makes it clear he wants a married life and is loyal and honest.
How do you describe this man’s pattern with women? And why is this specific desire to have a little sister or a daughter… My concern is his patterns with women and relationships seem inconsistent with his stated desire for a committed, loyal married life. I don’t know if he needs help with forming healthy relationships or something?
What exactly can I do for him? We don't already have a healthy relationship between us but I still want to stick by him.
@lolita9824
Hello. I am not American, so I had to check what "Title IX" might mean.
Basing on your description, your acquaintance may be facing some issues, like fear of women in general, treating relationships in a very instrumental way (what may sound even a bit like some narcissistic or psychopathic behaviours) and double moral standards (if exchanging girls in a blink of an eye, but still dreaming about a sacred religious marriage).
Things he says about a little sister or daughter sound as if he was so terrified of women, that he needed one who would be from definition one dependant to him, controlled by him, in other words: non-threatening. Also, it looks as if he was acting according to a rule "cheat first before you are being cheated".
As a man with some female personality traits I wouldn't feel safe being friends with this guy from your description (but I don't know the real one).
But what is really confusing to me is the nature of your friendship. For me a friend is someone who can see me from a God-like perspective, believing in the good in me, even when I am far from being a perfect person.
Sorry, but I don't see it in your attitude towards him. It looks like you would like to change him, control him or accuse him (the mention about Title IX charges especially sound like that...). I can't see here any good things you told about him.
In my view that's not friendship. At least not a healthy, inviting, warm and well-wishing one...
The irony of fate is that you are concerned about this guy's attitude to children, but your message is signed "Lolita". I've read the Nabokov's book, and I see this novel as the right description of how things were NOT intended to be.
We are here to support - not to judge, and to listen - not to advice. But, please, be aware of the fact we are also doing our best to have our hearts and brains in the right place...