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Should I pay for two promise rings?

anna289 February 8th, 2021

Boyfriend and I have been or were together for over two years. I recently broke up with him but it’s complicated. We’re not together but it’s kind of in more of a taking time to get better way. We both expect to get better from it and come back to each other and have said this. We both have agreed we don’t want to see other people and we want to work on things. About a month ago I lost the promise ring he gave me and I offered to pay him back. He refused but I still told him I would and after basically begging he said I can. His initial reaction wasn’t to get mad but he understood these things happen. Later the emotions kicked in and he got mad but I understood it. We got better and settled I’ll pay him back and he’ll use the money to buy me the same one. I guess I’m saying I’m paying to replace it. I recently got a full time job but that last about 2 weeks to a month. This at least give me money while I look for a more stable one but I still make a decent amount to pay him back with just this job alone. Here’s the part where I’m confused and frustrated but don’t know if I have a right to be. He was frustrated with me this morning because he told me he bought another ring and I was upset it’s not the same one. For some reason he also made it a point to say it has less diamonds than the last. I was disappointed because I wanted the same one as before cause that’s the one he originally chose and it was special to me to have what he picked for me. I got angry when he told me the only reason why he got a different ring is cause he was too embarrassed to tell the sales person that I lost the ring. He said when he used to work there people made jokes saying if a girl lost a ring she didn’t want it. I still told him he shouldn’t have let something like that stop him from getting me the same ring we both want back. He’s trying to cancel the different ring now. However, he now seems to be asking for double the money for the ring. He wants me to pay for both the one I lost and the one to replace it. I’m ok with doing this if it’s the right thing to do but the way I see it is he bought me one ring because he wanted to. That’s money I would never have had to give him because it was a gift. I’m trying to pay him for one ring either the one that’s lost or the new one but they’re the same price. In the moment I said I’d pay for both without really thinking about it. He said he wants to wait to buy the ring now until I have a more stable job but he already tried to buy another ring without me having that. I told him he doesn’t trust me and he said yes he doesn’t. What do I even do here?

1
Sher217 February 11th, 2021

Hey Anna, I'll offer my 2 cents, for what it's worth. Traditionally, an engagement ring (or promise ring) was given and accepted as a token of an agreement to marry. If either side decided to end that agreement (break up), the ownership of the ring depends on who broke the agreement. In your case, you said that you broke up with him, so you would have to return the ring. Since the ring has been lost, you have offered to pay what it cost and he agreed. It sounds like you are making a good hearted attempt to pay him (as your income allows you to). So, the second ring. He may purchase whatever ring he wants and present it to you when he asks you again to marry / wait for him. That part is on him, how much, what style, etc. BUT You don't have to say "yes" or accept the ring that he chose, if it's not what you want. You're under not obligation for a second ring until you accept it. (I once was involved in a ring dispute so this is just what I personally learned from life experience) The sentence from your post that caught my FULL attention was at the end: "I told him he doesn't trust me and he said yes he doesn't ". It sounds like there is much happening within this relationship: breaking up, getting back together, rings, money and most importantly, trust. It's my hope that you remember to put your needs in life and happiness at the top of your list. Be the best version of yourself that you can be because you love yourself first 💜. Then it's time to open your heart up to add others in. Only you can say if a relationship with this boyfriend is what you want but if it is, make sure that it's built on a foundation of respect and trust, as well as love. Wishing you all the best 💜🧡💛💚