Remembering my ex in a new relationship. Advice please?
Hello everyone, I just broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago. During the weeks following the break up I became close with a guy and we started having something like romantic feelings for each other.
Recently, he displayed habits that my ex used to do and it reminded me of my ex. This makes my stomach churn because I don’t want to compare the two of them and I don’t want to be reminded of my ex in a new relationship. I want to look at my new person as they are. I’m wondering if this is completely normal(getting reminded of your ex)? Or do I still need some healing to do?
I asked myself if I prefer my previous relationship over the one now and I think I’d like to keep the one at present. I want to think that I’ve already healed from my previous relationship but sometimes I think that 3 weeks is too short. I don’t wanna lose my current relationship but I don’t wanna hurt this person’s feeling in the long run due to insufficient healing as well. What should I do?
@mylkcha
The breakup seems very fresh and perhaps you have not figured out all your feelings... if it is habits or traits that remind you of ex and bother you.......... perhaps you need to re- evaluate the type of person you are attracted to.
it is not a comparison but a warning sign of habits or traits that may be not things you want in your life.
I think many people fall into the same type of relationship over and over again... and need to work on themselves regardless of their relationship status so they can face items as they come up not just look for next one ...
@toughTiger6481
Hello, thank you for your response! About the said habits or traits that remind me of my ex, well it’s not really something that bothers me as a trait in itself. It’s just that I hated the fact that it reminded me of my ex instead of thinking of it as a trait of my new person. I feel like I should be looking forward but because I’m being reminded I am somehow feeling like I’m looking backward. Is this a bad sign?
@mylkcha
people look backward far too often IMO .... in relationships........... i think it is about wanting to believe those intense feelings do not die .... we wanted the happy ever after fairy tale.
It seldom happens and i know of many many unhappy older people who fake it .......to make it seem they had that great love. so many look back and think if i did this or they did that.... things may have worked ......... no one teaches you how to really get over someone ........we are fed in movies and books etc of a "one" special love that lasts forever not how to let go when it does not.
We will always question if that was the one we passed up.
@toughTiger6481
Hello thank you for your advice. I see, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one looking back. Maybe it’s just really how things are. I’m not okay with letting go of my present relationship just because it reminds me of my past. Maybe just as you’ve said, I should accept it as something that’s normal and move on with this new person.
3 weeks is an extremely short time to process a breakup. If you developed romantic feelings for another person that rapidly after immediately falling out of a relationship, then the following things might be possible:
1) Your current partner might have been a ‘rebound’ - You avoided dealing with the breakup by getting into a new relationship, which caused unresolved feelings for your ex that you haven’t properly confronted emotionally.
2) If you commonly fall in and out of relationships that quickly, and easily develop ‘romantic’ feelings for people but then also quickly forget them after a short time, these relationships might be more infatuation. You might be more ‘in love with the idea of being in love’.
3) As the above person pointed out, you might be looking for a particular ’type’ and prone to being attracted to certain traits in guys which causes you to choose partners that are ultimately similar in particular ways. And while they are attractive to you because of their similarities, you might find their flaws are sometimes similar also. Perhaps because you might have been [unconsciously/subconsciously] looking for a replacement for your ex, you subconsciously dated someone [similar] to him immediately after?
In any case, when you are driving you always leave a safe distance between your car and the vehicle in front. Even if you are an excellent driver, and they are also an excellent driver, and it is a clear sunny day in perfect weather conditions, and you have perfect reflexes. Something unexpected might occur like a cat running out from under a parked car on the side of the road, causing the car in front to break suddenly and without warning, and that practice of always leaving a safe distance between vehicles is what gives you more time to respond to unexpected and unpredictable circumstances. In relationships, leaving a certain reasonable amount of time to process your breakup is what prevents you from getting into a rebound relationship or becoming involved in relationships when you’re not emotionally prepared. Even if you feel confident that you’re completely over your ex immediately after the break up -sometimes we are not always accurate judges of our own emotions especially with intimate relationships where our judgement is compromised.
It’s not that people should dwell on their past relationships indefinitely, because that’s not healthy either. But investing that time after a breakup to heal and process your thoughts and feelings effectively, gives you that added certainty that you have closure with the past and ensures that you are moving into your next relationship for the right reasons, and with a clear conscience, with your heart in the right place, free of doubts.
Hope that was helpful to you somehow!
CatsInTheCradle
