Lonely, getting old, tired, disconnected

I am tired and little frustrated at the moment to be honest.

I am a male, already 41 years old and i feel i have missed out on so much on life, i haven’t lived.

I miss human connection, but i don’t know how and where, seemingly just there is nothing.

A desire for partner in life, i want to fall in love, experience life together.

Being alone, the lack on human connection and disconnection really does get to me sometimes.

I mostly keep to my self, i don’t go out, i work from home, so i don’t even have any colleagues i could interact with. Well to be honest, i have been working at the office in history, but never really connected with anyone. Company events were usually a nightmare for me, so i have mostly skipped those too later on.

I am getting old, and i haven’t gotten anywhere, i am way too overweight, so i am not attractive either anymore. Even though i was relatively handsome when i was young and fit but life and time has done its job now.

I keep to myself, i live alone, i tinker with my home lab, write code alone which is fun at times and keeps my mind of the loneliness and disconnection, i almost like suppress this need, but it bubbles up occasionally and can be pretty unbearable.

I am bad with women, even if i get something going on with somebody i eff it up pretty quick, i tend be pretty intense and can push people away. Online dating is pretty much pointless, rarely anyone likes. Haven’t seen anyone yet to even start a conversation.

As i was younger my self esteem i think was pretty low, i couldn’t create any relationships with women in a meaningful way. 20 years ago there was one relationship, lasted like a year and then i was dumped. That was my first and last.

I watch too much porn and scroll social media, procrastination is part of my everyday life.

I know i should be working out and melting my big size, i have tried, been going for walks, i get to certain point and then i stop. I know enough about diets, have tried different things, but it’s like I've tried everything, i am getting old and tired, my will getting weaker day by day.

I know i should be getting out of my comfort zone and find new activities, meet new people. But locally i can’t find anything that would interest me, have been scrolling fb, have tried few things in the past, they never have persisted, i just stop and go back to my comfort zone where i am just me and nobody else.

I have a childhood friend i do occasionally meet, but our lives are so different, we don’t have same goals nothing similar to share and experience so it pretty non existing relations.

I have been going to a clinical therapist over the years, she is pretty much only one who i have felt good with, always energized when leaving the meeting. For some reason i stopped doing that also, mostly because i have failed on my goal to drop the weight, so i feel bad going there, nothing to show for. Regardless i might still reschedule, she was pretty much the only person who made me feel like a decent person.

That’s my life in a nutshell.