Just need to vent

Hello,

I need to vent and possibly see that someone is listening.

As I do this too I feel selfish for wanting a reaction from someone, but not being able to talk to anyone I think is literally causing me problems.

My boyfriend (of 17 years) and I have been having problems because of my attitude and lack of responsibility within our relationship. I have been selfish, I have been lazy, I don't take accountability for even small mistakes and I procrastinate. Since the last fight we had 2 yrs ago I have been better. But I was slipping into old behaviors and he couldn't take it again. We had another fight and now he is very distant.

I love him and he has claimed to love me through all these years. But now he simply says things have changed and has become distant. Throughout the last few weeks it has been getting worse. It's almost like I only exist for the basic interactions and conversations in our day.

I dont talk about my personal life with anyone. Not family or friends. I considered him to be my friend and partner. But now that we are going through this I'm shut. I feel like I'm holding my tears most of the day. I'm tired. I want to see him and be with him. But at the same time I don't because his change in attitude just hurts.

I feel like I'm in pain and no one knows. No one reacts. And the one person to see it is annoyed by it. I understand he is really angry and I don't blame him. I understand my mistakes now. I just want to find ways to get through this and be strong so that I can have the wisdom to propose a solution and help him see that I don't want to hurt him anymore and I want us to be happy.

Thank you for listening.