How to start that conversation
I've been with me boyfriend (28) for a little over a year now, but we keep having arguments and fights. It's the only thing I can be sure of; he'll always get angry with me about everything. Even when we just disagree about something seemingly neutral, he feels criticised or attacked.
I'm constantly walking on eggshells and it feels like I'm giving a lot more in this relationship than he is. I've expressed this to him and he got extremely mad as he felt like that was completely unfair, because he's been giving a lot as well.
I see that he's been trying to accommodate my needs etc, and I truly appreciate it, but I also feel like most of the time he's not treating me properly. His behaviour has made me extremely insecure and dependent on him and his emotions/moods or opinions. Everything triggers him and I don't know how to talk to him about this. How to fix this. Honestly, I've been thinking about ending it more and more recently, I'm constantly tired and sad. But, I know he does love me and in his mind he's doing the most, so I want to keep fighting a little longer.
Now, knowing love is not the issue, I've been trying to find another reason for our constant fighting. I've talked about it with close friends and family, and they (weirdly enough) all seemed to agree on the idea that he might have some personal, unresolved, unrelated, maybe unconscious issues that cause his behaviour. They suggested he might be extremely insecure? But how do I get him to talk about issues he might not even be aware of he has (if he even has them at all)? I'm not a therapist or psychologist, and I don't see a reason why he would be insecure (for example), so how do I even raise that sort of subject?
I know exactly how you feel. I've been married to my husband almost 4 1/2 years. We've been together almost 8. We started arguing not long after we met. I think getting into a sexual relationship too soon clouds our views and makes us try harder to make it work. I told him more than once if he wants a woman that agrees with everything he says, I'm not the one for him. It was obvious that's what he wanted.
I don't know why I stayed in this relationship. I really have no answer for it but here I am all these years later... still arguing every day and being stressed all the time. I've tried to tell him how I feel but he basically blows me off. He doesn't think he's yelling at me, he's venting. That may be but he doesn't speak to anyone else in his life the way he does to me. I think it's because he knows no one else will take it.
I've told him more than once that there are times I dread coming home from work because I don't know what kind of mood he'll be in. He calls me at least once a day, usually around lunch time, and almost always is mad about something. It may be about something that's nothing to do with me, like someone else made him mad but I'm the one who hears all about it. I know we need to give each other support but his yelling and cursing about every little thing has taken it's toll on me. He will not talk about his feelings and the only way he expresses himself is with anger. He doesn't call me names or physically abuse me but there's other ways of wearing a person down.
He makes me feel like he thinks I'm stupid at times. It's obvious he believes men are superior to women, especially intellectually.
I stand up for myself, choose my battles as they say. But even when I let something go, it's not enough when he gets in one of those angry moods. He throws things, curses really loud and it puts so much stress on me.
Whether or not your bf is insecure or whatever his issue, you shouldn't have to be the emotional, mental punching bag. That's what I feel like sometimes.
I'm not going to give you advice to leave or stay but know this: this behavior will not change if he doesn't acknowledge it and get help. Sure, he'll change for a few days if you make him think you're thinking about leaving but it always falls right back to where it was.
You are only 1 year in. I'm in almost 8. I'm mentally exhausted all the time. I'm never fully relaxed as I never know when he's going to start raging about something. Like you, I'm always walking on eggshells.
I tried to let it "roll off my back" but you can't be around this without it breaking you down. Even when I don't argue, he has his temper tantrums and I'm there to hear and see it. I want to be around calm ppl.
I refuse to engage in conversation with him sometimes and I walk away. I tell him I'm not talking to him when he's like this. But the stress is still there.
I know we need to be supportive of our spouse/partner but when you hear them tell the same things to other ppl in a normal tone of voice, it makes you wonder why he can't be like that with you also.
It'd be different if I kept this all inside and didn't give him the chance to work on it but I've told him numerous times how I feel and the changes are only temporary, sometimes only for that one situation and then back to how it always is.
I really hope I've helped you in some small way. It has helped me just putting this out there. This situation I'm in is why I joined 7 cups. I needed to talk to ppl that don't know us. Everyone in my life thinks he's great. Well that's because they don't see the side I do when no one is around.
I think about leaving a lot. I thought about it before we married. I wish now I had. I knew getting married wouldn't magically change things. I guess I thought I could handle it because I love him. Eventually I think the love won't be there anymore.
I'm sorry this was so long!
Wauw, thank you for sharing your story! I'm sorry you've been through this, still are going through this.
And it makes me sad though that after 8 years it's still something that makes you unhappy, it sounds like you deserve to be treated a lot better. Especially because you're taking his unfair behaviour in such an impressive way (and for such a long time) and because it doesn't pave a really nice path for my future... It does show me the importance of pushing for a different conversation or help in some sort of way. I will try my best to find out how, because like you said, being someone's mental punching bag is not something I desire, nor is waiting for my love to fade before I can end it. I see a future with him for sure, but if this is a part of it, I'm not sure I want it. Now I just need to find the strength to solve it 😅 I'm immensely impressed with your strength at least, that's for sure
Thank you again and I truly hope you'll be alright, in whichever way that turns out to be.
@callmepien
This behavior really seems destructive. The relationship is what should increase the level of comfort for each side of the couple. I do not see that you are comfortable. However, there are decisions that you must make yourself. My cousin was in a similar situation. It helped her a lot that she left for another city for two weeks. There she rested and looked at everything from the other side. Later, her mother advised her to visit a local dating site. This expanded her circle of acquaintances and gave more confidence.