How to forgive husband for cheating
We are married for 12 yrs with 2 kids. Recently I found out he have been talking to another women for a year, he said he never met her. Emotional cheating is quite painful. Over the last couple of years, I was very alone and tried numerous times to reach out to him because he is distant and unhappy. I thought he was depressed. 6 months ago, I lost my dad to ALS and the last 2 yrs of his life we were dealing with his stage 4 cancer, so I was having a tough time. I never felt so alone. I asked him if there was another women because my gut feeling was that he has someone else. He laughed at me and said I was over thinking. So I let that go and just worked on myself. And I blame myself for being sad around him and wanted too much from him. When I finally found out 2 weeks ago he was talking to someone else, I was devastated. I found out because I saw her text. He finally admitted and left our home for a week. During this week, I told him I wanted to work it out with him because I don’t take our commitment/ marriage lightly.
He came home and said he loves us. He said he felt lonely and that he knew that what he had with her will never happen. It started with playing online games. She was lonely and he was just there for her. It hurts really bad to hear because I am feeling soooo sooo lonely while he was comforting her. And I trusted him with what he said, never question him about it after I asked if there was another women. I’m upset because it was up until the last minute that he got caught he admitted it, during that year of me being “crazy” the thought of stop communication with her never occurred. Anyway, he said he stopped talking to her and deleted the WhatsApp app. I really don’t know what kind of relationship they had. Now that he is home, he doesn’t talk about it. I know he feels bad but I feel like I still don’t understand. It just seems like he is home and we are suppose to forget what happened and move on. I am having trouble letting it go and it still hurts me everyday when I think about how he lied to me every single time. And how every morning he would leave our bed to talk to her in another room. And that it went on for a year. I blame myself for trusting him instead of my gut. Why would someone leave the same time every morning and stay in a different room till midnight? I just thought he wanted his space to play games or do his thing. So yeah, i feel so messed up right now
i see him and I’m suppose to be happy because we are working on becoming a stronger couple but this pain is still very present in me.
I don’t know how to feel. Should I let it go and try to be happy? Is it really not that bad and I am over-reacting?
so if anyone have experience, please let me know how to forgive. Thank you.
@limegreenBeechwood6100 Hello there! Let me start by saying I am very sorry you are going through this.
Emotional cheating is just as hurtful and wrong as physical cheating. You are right to be upset that he was comforting someone else whilst you were struggling. You are not overreacting, and this was a huge mistake on his part.
You do not have to forgive him if you do not want to. There are tow types of forgiveness, decisional and emotional. You can make the decision to forgive someone, but it takes a while for you to be able to emotionally forgive them.
If you truly do wish to forgive him, I'd recommend working on communication between the two of yo, and seeking out a marriage/relationship counsellor. It will take a while to overcome, but I believe you can do this.
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you can recover from this painful time soon <3
Thank your for your response. He doesn’t talk much. Asking him questions always end with “I don’t know” answer. So I’m not getting a lot of explanation at all and I do feel like I should not dig any deeper and focus on being better for the future. My mind thinks way too much and it always reaches these negative thoughts so afraid that one day I cannot take it. I wish he can just be open and communicate with me. I even told him things happen for a reason. Since now we know what happen we can fix what went wrong. I don’t know how he feels about it because he doesn’t talk but he changes little at a time like pay more attention to me. Not sure how long that will last. I feel like he tries everyday with little things and that I just need to give it time.
at least I can vent about it here. Relationships are hard especially when kids are involved. My parents are married for 60 yrs and some how they make it work. Sometimes they don’t get along but they don’t betray one another. I just feel like those type of relationships are gone. I really thought my husband will be with me through all hardships and not get third party involved. So disappointed. I am Asian and have a huge family where everyone have issues except for infidelity. It’s just something we don’t even consider doing. He is born here and maybe he doesn’t have the culture that I have growing up. His sister had 4 kids with 4 different men and dates a lot. He is the 2nd person I ever slept with. So I feel like I am in the wrong place at a wrong time in history!
@limegreenBeechwood6100 As a guy myself, I can understand that hesitation to be open to people about how you're feeling, in fear of being ridiculed for it. But I'm working on it, and he can too. But he has to want to.
Sometimes relationships just don't work out. Sometimes the person you think is "The One" just isn't. It's hard, and you may not want to even consider that, which I can understand.
How do you think your husband would react to the idea of marriage counselling? Do you think he'd react in favour, or against it?
Alternatively, would you want a break from your relationship together? Or not? (Not saying you have to, by the way. I'm just asking some thoughts on some common reactions to this kind of thing).
Do you think that your children are subconsciously influencing your opinions on this? Like, the idea of split parents isn't something you want for your kids, so you're hesitant to take a break, for example.
Please remember though that staying together for the kids is not a good option. It can cause more damage than good.
If you need better support from someone with better experience, you can browse some of the listeners (I recommend verified listeners!) and chat with those. <3