How to break the cycle
My boyfriend has terrible emotional regulation. He gets angry over the tiniest things. Once he's set off he can't stop for hours. He yells, points out everything I do wrong and tells me my perceptions and feelings are wrong. If I try to disengage he follows me and tries to get me engaged. Fighting back escalates things and ends up in circular arguments. We've tried to come up with ways for me to let him know he's going overboard but in the moment he says I'm trying to control him or just doesn't do what we agreed upon. He will later admit he lost control and has trouble recognizing it. Then he spends a day trying to make up with me.
I'm a sensitive person and grew up with a lot of trauma. At this point I'm frankly scared to talk to him about anything more than small talk, even that can be tricky. This is totally damaging, not just our relationship but me. I'm having increased urges to self harm and passive suicidal ideation. Oh and he doesn't believe in therapy for him or me. I am not ready to leave, I've tried before and don't feel at that point, as his issues stem from his own diagnosis and trauma.
Any ideas of how to break this cycle?
@humorousStrawberries2096
I just want to say that your situation really touches me. I want to validate your feelings. I don't know how you can break a cycle that isn't yours. It's his cycle of lashing out. You can only control you. It sounds like you are being very patient with him and that's a caring thing to do. But, at some point, he needs to own his problem and regulate himself. Stay safe.
@humorousStrawberries2096 I'm sorry you're going through this. I am going through a similar situation with my boyfriend of 4 years who I live with. He is a veteran who struggles with PTSD amongst other things stemming from childhood trauma- of course not actually diagnosed because he doesn't believe in therapy either. It's extremely difficult to manage someone else's demons while struggling with your own.
We fight almost every day now (and its BAD) and although I love him more than anything, I've been thinking about leaving him. Just not sure where I go from here because I really thought we were endgame...
I apologize for not having any solutions or suggestions... it was just comforting reading your post.