He thought about cheating but didnt
So I was in an 8 year relationship, I’d just lost a baby and I was miserable.
I joined tinder secretly because I didn’t feel loved at home.
I met a guy and I fell in love with him, sold my home and left my ex who I had been with since school.
long story short, I went to ibiza on a girls holiday and I found out he had been going out, chatting up girls and talking about how he had the desire to cheat on me and how he was tempted to get a girl round that night.
I caught him by logging into his Snapchat, I was livid and at first he was angry too. The following day I told him he had ruined our relationships by saying these things but eventually I said I would like to give him a second chance. I told him I’d need access to his Snapchat so that I could know he wouldn’t be adding girls etc on there again.
when I logged in the day after, I found that he had been asking a “friend” for naked pictures and he had been saying how she was the woman of his dreams. I was extremely hurt by this as the things he spoke with her about, like her in a wedding dress was his wet dream, should’ve been reserved for me. He said he did it as he wanted a distraction as he thought he had lost me.. although I was still talking to him, albeit upset and angry, he was apologising whilst dirty chatting this girl.
i downloaded his Snapchat data and found out that whilst in the first months of dating, whilst we were exclusive, he had been lying to me and taking other girls out on dates etc. he says he thought you was a cheat and so although he loved me, he was keeping his options open as his last girlfriend had cheated on him.
We officially got together in April, after he blew me off for a girl he had met that day in work. He told me he was at the gym, but really he was on a date with her. He was being weird with me so I decided to go round the next morning. I caught them in bed together. He says she tried to suck him off but he was too drunk and couldn’t get hard so they fell asleep. She says they had sex but she also went round work telling people if it wasn’t for me, they’d be together (after meeting that one time?) so he says she is obviously bitter and she is lying.
he has come clean with a lot of other things, like taking the girls on dates and kissing people whilst on nights out when we were seeing each other so I don’t know why he would lie about sleeping with her too if he has?
when I caught them in bed, she left and we agreed we both loved each other and it was time to stop playing games.
up until the day we got together, he was dirty texting multiple women in the background, keeping his options open.
then on a few occasions whilst in a relationship with me, he would flirt and get girls numbers. He wouldn’t do anything physical but he showed an interest.
then obviously I went to ibiza and he was saying how he wanted to cheat on me and was saying “this is the last chance I’ll ever get to cheat, she’s already told me she’s not going away again”
he spoke about a woman he met on the train home and how he wanted to have sex with her. He spoke about a girl texting him and wanting to come over too that night.
I’ve never done anything to him to make him doubt me and I can’t understand why he did it to me in the first place.
he says he felt vulnerable and he was drunk and he took me for granted and made a mistake.
it’s been about 2 months since I found all of this out and I’m still really struggling.
I have access to his Snapchat and he has agreed he won’t be going out with the boys until he can trust himself. He lets me check his phone when I ask and he hasn’t done anything since but I am hurting and I’m scared.
im struggling to accept what I can’t understand and I’m struggling with feeling like he never put me first.
i found out in may that I never miscarried and that I was 6 months pregnant with my exes baby. My current boyfriend told me that he wasn’t ready for a child and if I kept it, we couldn’t be together. I terminated the pregnancy for a chance at a future with him.
I feel like I sacrificed so much for him and he took me for granted and disrespected me in every way and I can’t understand why.
I don’t want to leave him, what was it all for if this doesn’t work? I still love him but I’m struggling immensely.
@cpack54 It sounds like a very hard situation for you. You gave everything for this man but he just went and betrayed you like that. You should sit down and have a talk with him if you are still having doubts. It is important to communicate so that the relationship is strong. I believe in you, you can do it!
@cpack54
No matter what he tells you, or promises you, even if he gives you his Snapchat password, his email password, his Tinder password, etc. even if he buys you a wedding ring - None of that actually matters. What matters is quite simply this: In his heart, cheating and chasing girls excites him more than commitment ever could. Look at his pattern of behaviour, how he has acted in the past, consistently over and over again. Those weren’t ’mistakes’ or ‘moments of weakness’. That was him being exactly the person that he is, that is his character.
He told another girl that seeing her in a wedding dress was his wet dream while he’s dating you. That is the perfect example. Wedding dresses are supposed to represent commitment, but in his fantasy he uses the wedding dress as a fantasy of betrayal, of adultery instead! He only cares about commitment because it makes cheating more exciting.
You sacrificed so much for him. You’re loyal and devoted and love him. But that does not lessen his desire for other women. It’s really not fair on you at all, but no amount of commitment from you can ‘change’ his desperate need to cheat and flirt. He has to change that for himself. He has to actually want that for himself. It’s got nothing to do with you at all.
I hope this gives you something to think about.
CatsInTheCradle
Interestingly, I always sort of had a suspicion he was talking to girls etc behind my back.
it wasn’t until I went away and caught him out and I wasn’t going to come home that he actually sat and had a look at what he was doing.
he told me that in his only other serious relationship, talking to girls etc was completely normal and his ex used to do this too as well as cheated on him.
he said he never understands that there were levels to cheating and thought to himself, if he hasn’t done anything physical then it’s not cheating?
he said when I went away he felt vulnerable and instead of risk getting hurt, he acted out instead.
he says he would have never actually slept with anyone but who knows, if it had been easier or convenient maybe he would have? I’ll never know.
he told me he does like the chase but he said he felt like he went through so much with me this year, it was almost like chatting to girls and having a flirt was fine? Almost like he had earnt it?
he also said to me that he never felt able to
communicate or be vulnerable very easily since his ex cheated on him, and he struggled to feel close to me.
when I came back we sat and we cried and he told me about how lonely he has felt not being able to open up, although it wasn’t my fault, it was something he struggled with.
I found this extremely frustrating to start with, because he was fine acting this was until he got caught and he wasn’t bothered about changing until he risked loosing me.
he’s getting better at being open, but sometimes he feels judged and he struggles to be honest about things when he feels ashamed.
its been a better week since I posted, but I am still torturing myself and wondering what else I don’t know about.
we’ve started counselling and I’m hoping this will make him understand how wrong his actions were.
@cpack54
OK so what stood out for me there is … He really makes a tremendous amount of excuses to justify and rationalise his behaviour! He felt vulnerable, he was drunk, he ‘thought’ cheating was OK as long as it’s not physical it’s not cheating (seriously?), it’s because ‘he has problems communicating’ and couldn’t feel close to you (so his solution was to get closer to every other woman instead?!)… You read this long list of excuses and you would almost think he’s the victim in all of this. 😂
The thing is, this is his thought process in relationships. When he’s with a girl, he thinks ‘well she’s probably not serious with me, it probably isn’t forever’ so what really is my motivation to be loyal? And in the past I was cheated on, so that’s just what happens in relationships anyhow.’
The other problem is he enjoys the chase. He gets a thrill from the risk. He loves the validation from women of getting a number, that a girl might come over and something might happen. Will he actually physically do anything if a girl actually turned up on his doorstep while you’re away somewhere someday? I can’t answer that. Maybe he will tell the girl ‘You know what, I just called you over here because I feel lonely and vulnerable when my partner’s away. I have problems communicating so I don’t feel close to my partner. That’s why I sexted you and invited you over to have a fling! But now that you’re here let’s actually do nothing at all together. We’ll just Netflix without the chill!’ That doesn’t sound at all plausible to me… but maybe that’s what happens. 😂
But the problem with his risk taking personality and character is that it’s usually only a matter of time before things escalate, before something actually happens, before casual harmless risk taking eventually has more serious consequences and turns into a ‘mistake’ and a damaging problem for your relationship. And his attitude is that this is all ‘normal’ for relationships, that his behavior is justified, that he had no motivation to change his behavior until he got caught or until threatened with losing you. So why does he have to be threatened with losing you to be loyal to you? Healthy relationships need positive motivations for being with each other (you want to be loyal to the person out of what you feel for them, out of genuine affection and love) as opposed to negative motivations (he is loyal to you only when you threaten to leave, out of fear of losing the person). You shouldn’t have to monitor your partner to keep them faithful!
He really has a lot of complex issues to work through. I think the counseling is definitely a start. I hope it brings you both to a clearer understanding of each other. I know you will find your way forward to a better place no matter what!
CatsInTheCradle
I agree with what CatzinTheCradle has said. I think you deserve better. It’s just a chapter in your life you have the key to the rest of your journey. Do you want to live it suspicious of your partner or with someone you can trust the choice is yours. It’s hard for leopards to change their spots, not impossible though if they work at it.
