Fetish
I'm not sure really how to start. I've been told I'm jist insecure and jealous and all those adjectives. I feel shame for even having these thoughts. Like it's my fault. If inwas only different. In 2023 I met the man who i saw as the man with all the qualities that I had looked for in a man all my life. We were friends first. He had had a full life. Living overseas for 30 years. At the time I didn't know what that could mean. In the next year I found out some things that ibthough well maybe I can live with. After all they are 8000 miles away. But then I started to see it was hardwired. My husband has a thing for Asian women. Not just oh hey they are pretty or whatever it's an obsession. I've realized that they are his ideal, his want, need and desire. His social media looks like a who's who of Asian sororities. There's a couple other races but 99% is Asian. I have talked to him. Fought with him. Tried to explain how I feel about it. What it's done to my mental health. My self worth. My self esteem. I feel less than. Have threatened to leave. Divorce him. He will tell me he'll stop then a day later or often in the same day he's back to following them. It interferes with our intimacy. He can't feel arousal without looking at them. And then love bombs me and acts like it's me he wants. But I have figured out the routine if it. I have become, and I know this is irrational, to have a strong feeling about Asian women. I am mentally overwhelmed. I have done everything I can think of to be a good wife. A good woman. But I will never measure up. I am in constant pain, worry, stressed and in anxiety. I dont know what to do anymore. Ive become a shell of who I was before him. I've showed him pictures of me before and me now and you can see what the stress of it has done. He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. And if it nothing then why not just stop? Wjen he sees the damage it's caused? I don't even take care of myself in the last month like I used to. What's the point? It doesn't matter anyway. I can't be Asian. I've even googled hpw to be more Asian like. Is there surgery to make me look more Asian. I'm a white woman by the way. Ive told him this. And within hours he was back at it.
Thank you for sharing @Griffeyll✨
May we pause for a moment and see what a beautiful, intelligent and awesome woman you are? Yes, You! Your body, your face, your ethnicity, you don’t need to be Asian - you are perfect the way you are
The stress of being in a toxic relationship once upon a time, got me huge dark spots under my eyes…it was awful! And I decided to keep it that way because I was focused on him, his needs, his wishes…and I completely put myself in second place, can you believe that?
This is a compassionate reminder to check in and make sure you're not pulling yourself out alignment in order to stay in resonance with someone. That's not loving you or them
Please choose yourself this time, pause and ask yourself: do you really want a relationship like that? Where you are feeling the way you’ve been feeling lately?
You are beautiful and you deserve to be happy✨
@Griffeyll
well i think dont like how its all framed up. it does not make us understand what his living abroad , having a full life , travelling has anything to his desires. what can give clarity is his proffession. plus its also true that every sweet things come with its thorns but i am more interested in knowing when you both conversed what you asked what he said . plus what have you tried till now to force him to change his habits. buying books and saying it directly ways are passive ways .there are other active ways where you can choose to talk to him subconciously for the final result . i can only request you not to try being like your asian counterparts atlest physical , otherwise thats totally upto you. just extra tip when you try to force him to change by force , what do you force . its kind an equal value exchange , its difficult to change when habit is long and the one whose habit it is not willing to change. we can use some back of hand of methods to achieve it without being too unethical by being able to find a common ground before you 2 . (#note to moderator - dont change the meaning when aligning sentences , i would prefer you deleting my post rather than changing its meaning)
@Skansly the fact he spent 30 urs over seas working for us govt changed his psyche. He believes in the propaganda. None of them ever satisfied him. But he holds on to the fantasy of it. The bottom line he has a fetish am obsession he cannot stop himself. No matter the damage it causes. He's in there right now doing it. Amd I told him I'm seeking therapy. It's destroyed my mental health.
@Griffeyll
after talking to him, what do you realise to be his point of view
the idea is simple as to just say to him " like we need to have this conversation, i know you must have expressed to many but not many understand but being your wife i want to know what is it thats stopping you from trusting me to tell the truth , i dont want your promises , all i need is the truthful conversation and if its possible to steer around it" . is he around?
@Griffeyll
I would not call that "fetish". Fetish is usually about material things (like black stockings) or body parts (like feet), not a kind of person. What you describe sounds more like an obsession.
Obviously, you can try to be more "Asian" by your makeup, hairstyle of clothing. I am also curious if your husband would be as enthusiastic about Asian food (smaller amounts, less meat, more vegetables, more spicy, more fish).
But I believe your doing any plastic surgery or permanent makeup to make you look "more Asian" would be doing harm to yourself.
I understand many men nowadays are quite fond of Asian women, smiling, kind and polite, slim and fragile, never behaving in a man-like, rude or arrogant way - which is sadly sometimes exactly the opposite of some European and American women.
But the problem I believe is not in your not being Asian, but in your relationship.
As in an old saying, sometimes the things you admire in your partner the most at the first glance are the same things which are the most troublesome a few years later.
But changing you according to his "standards" I believe would not make any good, and could make you feel worse about just being yourself.