Feeling stupid but not
I am probably being over reactive about this but it's affecting me. My partner and I have been together for 3 years, both of us had a previous bad relationship. So you could say we are emotionally damaged in our own way.
The situation I'm is that I feel I'm replaceable by my partner. When we initially dated he chatted to a female friend online who I was never introduced to or was included in. It was only when I found out about her by accident that she was mentioned. After a tiff or two over that she has now faded away from him, hopefully respecting he is in a long term relationship. He has reconnected briefly with an ex, because he felt sorry for her as she had been ill. That was found again by accident by me and had to ask who she was. I did not get an apology just defensive excuses.
So, to more recent. My partner is a salsa dancer, he has social danced for over 10 years and he has now brought me into the scene which I enjoy to a degree. He set up lessons in our local village which was enjoyed by those who came. However, there is one lady who could not attend the lessons but requested private tuition which he has done. This lady can be described as sort of the celebrity in the village. Before the first lesson neither my partner nor I had met her as we are fairly new to the village. So, he went to give the first lesson and returned, telling me all about her etc.. Which was fine. However, as the weeks have gone on, all I hear is this lady does this, she goes here, eats there and so on. A bit like when we talk about a new friend or love interest. The problem is for me is that I'm the only one in our friendship group who has yet to meet this woman and I'm beginning to feel left out of any conversation about her. I'm finding it a bit disrespectful from my partner that he has not arranged it that I meet this woman who he dances quite closely with every week.... Am I overeacting??? If it was the other way round what would he feel about it?
So, tomorrow night there is a salsa party and I can't go as I have a retirement party but my partner, and couple of our mutual friends are going as our usual group. However, he has now asked the lady from the village to go too! I am not dealing with this very well although trying I'm doing my best to hold onto my emotions so I don't look pathetic and foolish. I feel he has replaced me with her and I have still not met her!!!!
What do I do??
@intelligentTiger5312 Have you talked to him about your feelings? Sometimes it's hard to start a conversation without getting emotional or angry, but if you can approach the topic without accusing him of anything, that could possibly open up some helpful conversation. Do you trust him? Is he normally kind of quiet about other things going on? I guess I have more questions than anything else. It is hard to know how to respond without knowing more about how the two of you relate, you know? Hang in there. Communication is the answer.
Hi, oh yes I've tried to communicate in many different ways but rach time he either gets defensive or just ignores it. I wrote a note as I can he clear about us and this was what I wrote to him.. He has read it but not mentioned a thing, what I have said wrong?
I am much better at putting words on paper than trying to express verbally sometimes.
I have been reflecting on our conversation from Saturday night and feel that I have to acknowledge things as well as explaining in a better way.
To begin with I AM SORRY! I am so sorry that the conversation brought out things neither of us wanted to hear and although I know alcohol probably added fuel but I think it did allow things to be said from us both that we keep quiet on.
I want you to know that I heard you loud and clear about your frustration and the effect it's having on you. I get it, I can understand and I also don't blame you at all. I try my best to give you attention but it's difficult at times when I don't feel we are connected. With thinking things over the last day it must be so difficult for you to know what to do with me and my problem and I see that. I am not going to blame either of us for where we are at the moment as it's not our fault. , it's a situation that won't last forever, it's how we deal with it that matters.
I have also reflected on myself too and I need to be kinder to myself and accept where I am in my life. Nature is not treating me kindly and this is something out of my control. My body is not mine at the moment, I'm at the hands of a natural process which is playing havoc with my mind and my physical being and it's a massive transition that I need to get through, and I will, just need time. I am not alone, so many women have to endure this during their lifetime.
The lack of sleep, memory issues, clumsiness and of course my number one issue of my period is eroding who I am and it has made me feel extremely vulnerable and not the sexy, confident woman I was. The constant reminder everyday that I'm not free and available sexually is awful. My days in the past when I never had to check a calendar to have fun, I long for those to return. This is only temporary and I have to keep telling myself that it will be over.
So, again I apologise for my vulnerability and things lately just remind me of how I'm failing to be the woman I used to be. It has made me feel very unsafe and unwomanly. I'm not jealous, but feel sad and scared as I am not seen by you as the sexy, available woman I was and it is crucifying me. I am reminded of this everytime you connect and give attention to other women and they make you happy which is evident by your radiant smile you give to them and I miss that so much from you and it cuts me like a knife . Forgive me if I'm sounding over sensitive but it is because I am.
You are my partner in life, my special person, my focus and I prioritise you above any other man. I love you and respect our relationship so much and what it means to be in a relationship.
What can I do to help you? I know you are not one for expressing yourself and I'm not great at mind reading either so I need your help.
With your words still in my head, I'm conscious also that if you are unhappy and that you have lost interest in me I will understand and I'm sure we can be grown up in discussing this and on how to move on. Your happiness is so important to me.
I won't say anymore apart from hugs, kisses and connection will always glue a relationship, even after we are too old for sex.
I hope you will hang on in there with me.
All my love xx
I'm lost on how else to communicate..
If it’s me I would tell him I feel insecure about the new girl especially bcz I don’t know her. Did she even know my existence? Is it okey if you introduce us so I won’t be overthinking? Maybe after knowing the girl and turns out she’s kind and the way she interacts with your partner is all professional you would stop thinking about it in negative way. Maybe you can request your partner to bring you along for the practice so you can see how the practice usually been done.
@Linognathus Great idea! If there's nothing happening, you joining the activity should be like opening the door to resolution!